Friday, April 30, 2010
~ As you can see, I've been updating at a frenetic pace. I've already had more entries in April alone than in all of 2008 or in all of 2009.
~ Why oh why oh why (oh why) do these youth wear skinny jeans pulled down past their butts? At least the rap aficionados with their baggy pants wear shirts that are long enough, in most cases, to cover their ratty boxers. These other kids, though, are wearing skinny jeans pulled down below their pelvis, but are still wearing shirts that were already one size too small before they shrunk in the laundry. And I've seen many a young man struggle with their sagging pants because of a lack of a belt. These new kids though? They're wearing belts, and the belts are tightened specifically at a point past their buttocks. Why? Why? WHY?
~ The previous rant should be read in your best crotchety old man voice.
~ The film version of The Power of One is not even in the same realm of good as the novel. I did spot Daniel Craig this time around, though.
~ The soundtrack is still amazing.
~ Alan Paton's books are still much better than Bryce Courtenay's.
~ Coke is still better than Pepsi.
~ Raspberry juice is still better than both of those.
~ Cheesecake wins over everything previously mentioned.
~ My Dad told me that he was happy to see me blogging again, but he also mentioned that he didn't get all of the jokes.
~ Don't worry Dad, I don't get them all either.
~ I promise not to make any promises about my blogging, because I always break them.
~ That was a contradictory sentence.
~ Admittedly, nearly half of the posts have been pointing to the work or thought of others. Still, I've been doing well.
~ I'm a little hungry for more comments, though. I like comments.
~ I'm also hungry for cheesecake.
~ I lost some of the blogs I had linked before when I was reorganizing everything. I tried linking them all again, but I noticed that mine was not the only blog that has been neglected.
~ I guess all those people are twittering now.
~ A Boerishbwoy update is like thirty twitters in one go. That’s how good we are.
~ Sean Penn to jokes: I don't get you.
~ I read that previous statement somewhere, I can't remember where. It's true though.
~ Sean Penn to international politics: I don’t get you either.
~ I made that one up myself - anyone who thinks that Hugo Chavez is benign leader without any dictatorial tendencies, can safely be said to "not get it."
~ I have two map systems, because I like geography.
~ Once again, I'm lacking blog hits from Mongolia.
~ I do have hits from Moscow though, and that's pretty much made my week.
~ The other hits are great as well, of course.
~ Shout out to Gary Finger.
~ My youngest sister recently made a speech on her role models. Guess who was included?
~ Are you kidding? No, it was not Sean Penn or Gary Finger.
~ That’s right, it was this guy right here.
~ I think she probably looks up to me mostly because of my amazing blogging abilities. A lot of people can blog, but not very many can blog like me.
~ If my sister knew Gary Finger, I’m sure he’d be included as well. As for Sean Penn, he might get a nod for his acting abilities. Maybe. Probably not.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
His hands are dancing in the air,
A joyous smile on his face
He sits, oblivious to the sullen faces,
With those fingers fluttering over his head
The wonder of the moment on his childlike features.
I step outside into the cold rain
joyous smile on my face.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Dear Mr. Boerishbwoy,
While we understand your frustration at a lack of traffic on your blog, we do not feel that you have sufficient cause to blame us for your lack of visitors. While we recognize that you may or may not have a high level of “awesomeness” in your content, we do not feel that your lack of comments has anything to do with our “complete and utter disregard for the monumental importance of every single post that is uploaded onto boerishbwoy.blogspot.com.” We also strongly disagree with your assertion that “this is a betrayal of humanity only surpassed in history by Scar’s betrayal of Mustafa.” Allow us to humbly point out that, not only is your sense of history dreadfully warped, but, The Lion King is a Disney cartoon containing talking animals. It should have been glaringly obvious to you that it is fictional. Fictional.
We, of course, recognize that you are frustrated with the lack of dots on your maps, but your demand that we intervene to create more hits from Mongolia is beyond our control. Allow us to suggest that you start catering your content to Mongolians, and you may soon find some hits from said country.
Contrary to your opinion, blogger.com is not run by “members of a vast right-wing conspiracy hatched with Google specifically aimed at suppressing the sound voice of reason and über intellectual delightfulness that is Boerishbwoy.blogspot.com.” We are just ordinary human beings who help provide a free blogging service. May we remind you that we do not receive any money from the Canadian Government. Therefore, it a rather empty threat when you say that you will expose us by demanding that your Member of Parliament “immediately introduce an inquiry into the use of tax dollars to support blogger.com and its anti-democratic suppression of pure unadulterated awesomeness.”
We want to thank you for using our service, and we wish you the best in your future endeavors.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Before the mid seventeenth century the exclamation mark was known as the "mark of admiration." In this case, admiration refers to a sense of wonderment rather than some sort of feeling of approval. According to one theory, the exclamation mark came from the Latin word for joy, io, written with the I above the o. Thus, the exclamation mark was used to mark a passage that filled the writer with a sense of wonderment. Dating back to the fifteenth century, this mark is a relatively new invention.
This blog post was inspired by one of my pet peeves - the abuse of the exclamation mark. In my opinion the exclamation mark is a special mark which should only be used sparingly so that its expressive power is never lost. As printers of the past used the exclamation mark in order to delineate Scriptural passages of particular power, so should contemporary writers use the exclamation mark sparingly. Yes, this is probably a ridiculous request as the exclamation mark has come to represent volume and powerful emotion. Still, perhaps writing would improve if emotion was injected into the sentence itself rather than relying on the much-abused exclamation mark.
This is not my main problem with the modern use of the exclamation mark. No, my main problem involves the completely unnecessary use of multiple exclamation marks at the end of sentence. Thus, rather than typing something like "I'm happy!" the writer types "I'm happy!!!!!!
Actually, a bigger pet peeve of mine is the word "peeve" itself. Somehow this particular combination of phonetic sounds creates a word which is the audible equivalent of warm garbage. And here's something else that doesn't make sense: the phrase pet peeve itself. When I think of the word pet, I usually think of a creature, such as a fish or a dog, that is cared for and cherished by its owner. In fact, even as a modifier, the word pet implies that it's something favoured. If I have a pet peeve, is it a cherished peeve that I nurture?
"Hey, what's that ugly looking thing that smells like a diaper full of boiled cabbage on your leash there?"
"Oh that? That's my pet peeve."
"Oh nice, what kind of peeve is it?"
"It's an exclamation mark peeve."
"Oh, those are rare, aren't they?"
"Yes, not too many people have them."
"May I indulge it?"
"Well, I'd prefer that you didn . . ."
"HEY THERE LITTLE GUY!!!!"
"Oh, now you've done it."
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Perfection, of a kind, was what he was after,
And the poetry he invented was easy to understand;
He knew human folly like the back of his hand,
And was greatly interested in armies and fleets;
When he laughed, respectable senators burst with laughter,
And when he cried the little children died in the streets.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
On the bus I am quite accustomed to seeing individuals, typically university students, who are wearing vintage clothing or sporting retro styles. I would guess that most of these students do not remember the eighties, and I am quite confident that none of them even existed in the sixties or seventies. I’m not complaining, I think it’s refreshing to see people expressing their individuality by dressing the same as one another.
No really, it’s all good.
Recently, however, I saw a young man with a waxed moustache, rakishly curled upwards. Now, I am definitely not an expert on the sixties or the seventies nor am I particularly knowledgeable about moustaches, but I am fairly certain that, with the notable exceptions of Rollie Fingers and southern gentlemen, the curled moustache went out of style sometime in the twenties. Of course, it probably made appearances in the thirties. Really, though, this type of moustache would have been considered in the same way a mullet would have in the late nineties – a bit out of place, a sort of mullet of facial hair. Now this guy was a real individual, rocking a curled moustache on a busload of slaves to fashion conventions.
Of course, he may have just been from the south.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
In Which I Answer Some Serious Questions - Part 2
In which I answer more questions from this site.
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If there were only a way we could measure the elapsed movie time and compare it to the time on the box. Until then, we will never know.
What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?
It actually stems from the original thirties initialism PAU, which stands for Palpable Airborne Ugliness.
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Nobody has referred to their clothes as garments since the Victorian era.
Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
There needs to be a new word, other than stupid, for the complete and utter idiocy of this question. I’m going to address the less stupid, yet still incredibly stupid, aspect of this ridiculously stupid question. No wait, I can’t find it. You probably had a teacher who told you that there was no such thing as a stupid question. I feel bad for this teacher, there was no way that they could have anticipated this level of stupidity.
What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
No, they’re egg-specting.
If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Absolutely they would not.
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
An ambulance is an emergency vehicle lacking opposable thumbs and, as such, cannot administer first aid.
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
Because it’s funny to the people watching.
Do you yawn in your sleep?
I yawned in this question.
Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?
For the same reason that goats eat garbage and monkeys throw their shit.
If a cannible (sic) was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted (sic) for his last meal?
It’s interesting that the last really stupid question was also about cannibals.
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
No, but they do start transmitting Morse code.
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
Dagnabbit, this question was covered in Part 1, don’t you pay attention?
If someone has their nose pierced, have (sic) a cold, and take(sic) their(sic) nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole?
Only if the individual has trouble with faulty parallelism.
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?
It’s because of the man, man.
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Neither, I usually start shaving first.
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
He did, he kept them in a Titanium lockbox.
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Because book-publishing was invented in countries that don’t have the American legal code.
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
You can’t. This is why one-armed bandits are greatly feared among law enforcement agencies.
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
Yes, because I’m Canadian and they have no business breaking down my door.
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
It’s for your inspired doodles.
Why can't donuts be square?
They can, they’re called Dutchies.
Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?
I’ll answer the related question that you’re afraid to ask: this is probably why you smell like a damp mouldy towel.
What happens to an irrisitable (sic) force when it hits an immovable object?
Since both things cannot exist in the same universe, they proceed to have an argument over who is stronger. Whoever loses, ceases to exist.
If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
Yes, smell travels at a speed of up to sixty-five kilometers an hour and remains for five stops after the guy who does not wash his towels, or possibly doesn’t even use them, has exited the bus.
Why do overalls have bel (sic) loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?
The loops are there so the farmer has somewhere to put his thumbs, other than his overall straps, when he’s relaxing.
Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how?
Prisoners don’t celebrate anything, they just mope.
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
Because Harry Potter sucks.
What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?
What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?
Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?
Oooh, you used the word “conversely.” Nice.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Only if they sneak in when the attendant isn’t looking.
How come cats butts go up when you pet them?
I don’t pet them.
What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
The insignificant ocean would definitely be overwhelmed by the removal of that vast boatage.
How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?
Billboards are only changed at night during power outages by tiny gnomes.
Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
No, they eat crumpets and scones and drink copious amounts of tea.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
The insignificant ocean would definitely be overwhelmed by the loss of all that vast sponge-age.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior (sic) when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
I would have answered this question, but you forgot the definitive article in front of the word Interior.
Why does Jell-o have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?
Remember when Bill Cosby had those Jell-O commercials? Those were fun.
Why are dogs (sic) noses always wet?
See the previous question about dogs.
Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
Because they want to see you get struck in the face.
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Because you’re delusional.
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
I don’t know, we should call the idiom police.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Refugee Bill
I do not like Jason Kenney’s Bill C-11.
Refugee claimants, who already have enough problems under the Canadian system, will have an even harder time under the changes he has proposed. Certainly the system has been abused by some claimants over the years, but this does not mean that all claimants should be penalized. Many legitimate refugee claimants’ lives are hanging in the balance and, for this reason, we owe it to them to give them a fair hearing.
The government has failed to fill the refugee board adequately to deal with refugee claimants. Now they are using the backlog this has created to make it even more difficult for legitimate asylum seekers to find refuge in Canada.
I am frustrated and angry with the way Kenney is referring to refugees regarding this issue. He refers, for example, to refugee claimants’ who do not meet the refugee criteria as “abusers.” This serves to darken Canadian perceptions of these individuals and stigmatizes all refugees. Not only that, but just because an individual does not meet the refugee criteria, does not mean the hardships that they face in their country of origin are somehow illegitimate.
Bill C-11 would deny some refugee applicants based on their nationality, rather than on their individual cases. The government would decide which countries are democratic and liberal enough not to have a refugee problem. This, I fear, would be a politically motivated decision, and would ignore human rights abuses committed by Canadian allies. Many countries that most people would consider safe still remain dangerous places for certain ethnic minorities and for gays. These individuals should not be pushed aside, not if we want to be just.
Currently, many refugees who are initially rejected appeal for reconsideration on humanitarian and compassionate grounds. There are, after all, certain aspects of a refugee’s case that are not taken into account in the refugee system. I know several refugees who have done this, and, yes, their appeals were warranted. Bill C-11 would block refugee claimants from this appeal, and leave them without this important recourse.
Please, if you have any objections to Bill C-11, write to your MP.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
These thoughts lay knotted and jumbled
in a dark forgotten corridor
of thick restrictive walls,
loud grating noises,
and soft sullen whispers.
The knots are wet,
prickly to the touch -
as knobby fingers
tear haplessly at their
Elbows knock the walls as ears
strain to hear the whispers,
but their incessant hissing only
occasionally reveals the rounded sounds
If only this thick rope can be untangled . . .
Friday, April 16, 2010
Here I display my willful ignorance of the rules of photography by taking a picture with a window in the background.
Julianna is a nearly albino munchkin who lives in my sister's house.
When I took this picture I was thinking about the lack of sunset photographs in the world. Hopefully this will help alleviate their scarcity.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
In Which I Answer Some Serious Questions - Part 1
The following are thoughtful answers to a series of serious questions that were posed on this website.
Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
For the same reason they don't sell boiled pig's feet: it's just not unhealthy enough.
At a movie theater which armrest is yours?
The armrest to your right belongs to the theatre while the armrest to your left belongs to the theatre.
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
I have no experience with this.
Where does the toe-tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
The person remains unidentified.
If your (sic) driving a federal(sic) owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Running a stop sign would be considered a traffic violation and not a felony.
If your (sic) driving a federal (sic) owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a traffic violation?
No, if you are driving a federally owned car, you can speed the wrong way down an interstate with a case of open beers beside you while blackmailing a Supreme Court judge on your cell-phone, and the police can do nothing.
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?
Rhode Island doesn’t count as a real state.
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth, and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
Presumably, if it were even possible to dig a hole through the centre of the earth, you would not need to jump in because you would be in the hole, you know, digging it. This would thereby eliminate the need to jump in.
. . .
Oh, and, if it were even possible to get to the centre of the earth before being consumed by magma or the incredible mass of the earth, you would die.
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
Check your policy (unless you’re from Rhode Island, in which case you’re not covered).
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your (sic) the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Then you’re in contempt of court.
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
If they’re selling the office, there really shouldn’t be any confusion.
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
Neither. They usually end up curled up in the corner from the embarrassment of having less than perfect oral health.
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
That you’re not allowed to play baseball with cantaloupes anymore.
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states?
If you’re driving a federally owned car, you don’t need to worry about this.
Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
Because swaying your arm back and forth is the action you take before you release this bowling ball.
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Is this a riddle? Maybe I’m driving in an alternate reality where everyone’s intelligence is judged relative to the speed I choose to go in my automobile? Or, more likely, I’m driving in Toronto.
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Yes, in the same way that professional is the opposite of confessional, protest is the opposite of contest, produce is the opposite of conduce, and processional is the opposite of concessional. Isn’t etymology grand?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is (sic) when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it?
Interesting fact: grape drink does not taste like actual grapes.
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Yes, and they should be thrown in prison.
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?
No, but if their hands are full of food it is incredibly rude.
If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?
Yes, it’s 2010 now.
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
Fancy ketchup listens to jazz.
Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
It’s called the white man principle. If a white man accomplishes anything, he can claim he did it alone providing he was not accompanied by another white man. It’s like how that one weekend I danced by myself at a zouk club.
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Sunny is understood because the sun is a constant. Clouds, however, are not a constant unless you live in England or Vancouver.
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
Are eyebrows on your face?
If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01AM, which day was he born on?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?
Neither, it’s the name he gave to his cap.
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
No, unless you’re from Rhode Island, in which case they expire right away.
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Because life isn’t fair.
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Can you daydream at night?
No, and don’t try it. The resulting chaos unleashed by such a linguistic contradiction will cause the universe to collapse on itself.
Why is it that on a phone the number five has a little dot on it?
It’s a design flaw that has occurred in almost every single touch-tone phone that has ever been manufactured. I like it though because it allows me to dial in the dark.
Can crop circles be square?
No, see the question about daydreaming at night.
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Ghosts have special floor resistant shoes.
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
In a federally owned car it is.
When atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
No, but neither do Christians. In the old days, atheists would swear on a stack of blank steno notebooks.
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
You obviously haven’t been eating super-extra-copious-amounts-of-vanilla vanilla ice cream. Just reduce the amount of dairy in the ice cream and increase the amount of vanilla extract by three thousand parts.
Can animals commit suicide?
Are humans animals? If so, then yes. If not, then also yes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
You wring that good-for-nothing animal’s neck is what you do.
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Neither, they would immediately succumb to the irony.
How can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what was it improving on?
It’s new in the sense that no one used it before you, and it’s improved in the sense that it’s better than the previous model.
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
Maybe you shouldn’t shop at second-hand stores for your drapes.
When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married?
They say, “Oh man, I don’t know what to say at this part anymore. If only there were a way we could change the language of these vows somehow to reflect this completely unanticipated situation. I guess this won’t work after all. I wish there were a way, boys, but my hands are really tied here.”
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
Underwater geysers melt the ice to a certain thinness and warm the water to a certain hotness.
Why do people say beans, beans, the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
I have never, ever, in my entire life heard one person ever utter these words. Ever.
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
He overdosed, obviously.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Money, obviously, does grow on trees.
Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
Hmm. That’s a tough one. Why would they call tiny little peanut-shaped pieces of Styrofoam peanuts? I don’t know. You stumped me.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
*Crash* That’s the sound of all my childhood naivete shattering into a billion pieces. Thanks a lot.
Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Siamese twins enter free. It’s one of the perks.
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
You’re too young to know who Roy Rogers is. I’m also too young to know who he is, but somehow I do know who he is. Suffice to say, he was both jolly and a rancher.
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
They don’t. One helps sick people and another is a janitor.
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
Woah, you just, like, totally blew my mind.
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
Yeah, on their face, for their eyebrows.
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isn’t refrigerated?
If milk emerged from the cow’s udder as ice-cold two per cent homogenized milk then the answer to your question would be yes.
How fast do hotcakes sell?
I don't know, but this youtube clip is funny:
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Have you seen The Fugitive starring Harrison Ford? He totally had to go through the door at the front when the bus flipped.
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
Yes, it’s one of the most frustrating aspects of space travel at the moment.
Can a black person join the kkk?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
If lightning had a constant voltage of a googolplex volts, it would kill all the fish. It doesn't though.
When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?
Yes, it's required by law.
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
No, but they shouldn’t put him in the electric chair either.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
There’s supposed to be a gigantic bridge to Alaska, but Sarah Palin didn’t finish it.
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Forget what these new emo vampire tales are telling you, all vampires are undead, selfish, and have no convictions, religious or otherwise.
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
If this song were titled “London Bridge fell down” you might have a point.
Who was Sadie Hawkins?
A character from the Lil’Abner comic strip that ran from 1934-1977. Yeah, that was from the top of my head.
If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
My parents always urged me to take candy from strangers (and play on the train tracks), so I don't see your point.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
When I was in Sunday school one of the the teachers explained that heaven would basically be "like a church service that goes on forever."
I can remember how disappointed I was. The idea that I would be stuck in a wooden pew eating peppermints, flipping through hymnals, and fidgeting throughout an everlasting sermon just wasn't appealing.
I had been looking forward to flying, meeting Sampson, exploring forests, and finding out how the dinosaurs died. Now I was informed that all I had to look forward to was an old angel in a suit telling me to turn to hymn 324.
Imagine, organ music for all of eternity and white-haired angels with Dutch accents.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Completely Unfair Reviews of John's Most Recently Watched Movies
The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)
Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway play chess. Also, there’s a bank robbery. McQueen really shouldn’t have castled so early just because Dunaway has such a nice smile.
Dustin Hoffman plays a woman, and Bill Murray makes me laugh. This is the best cross-dressing movie I have ever seen. The other one was good too, though.
The Green Zone (2010)
Jason Bourne goes to Iraq; hilarity ensues when he can’t find WMDs. Hilarity means a shaky camera, by the way.
Imagine being treated unjustly just because you do not have citizenship in your country of residence. That would suck. This movie is about a slobbering ectomorphic creature that tries to befriend a spaceship crew by playing hide and seek.
Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)
Dustin Hoffman makes French toast for his son. I think his recipe would be improved by adding a little cinnamon.
Toshiro Mifune’s role as a masterless samurai was the greatest ever portrayal of a samurai on screen until Tom Cruise came along. It’s worth a look if you want to see the inspiration for Japan’s greatest samurai ever (Tom Cruise).
Wicker Man (1973)
A straitlaced police sergeant is invited by a group of hippies to a Burning Man festival. He is so upset by their excesses that he later becomes the Equalizer (1985-1989).
How to Train a Dragon (2010)
*Hint* You have to catch it first.
The world has recovered from the devastation unleashed by global warming only to be beset by new disasters unleashed by an ancient Mayan priest who forgot to set the Mayan calendar to infinity. Billions die, but don’t worry, the dog makes it.
A Fistful of Dollars (1964)
Clint Eastwood models his favourite poncho. As far a ponchos go, it’s pretty good one.
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Charles Bronson returns a beloved harmonica to its rightful owner. He doesn’t play it very well anyways, so it’s all good.
The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
Clint Eastwood fights against the abolition of slavery, despite the fact that he’s already been ruled against by Mr. Lincoln. Lincoln is tough, so slavery is abolished despite Eastwood’s best efforts.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
In grade school, there were often guest speakers.
I can't remember the purpose of most of these guest speakers, but I do remember one thing. They were all hard of hearing.
They would come to the front of the gym, multi-purpose room, classroom, or random gathering place and they would enthusiastically yell, "good morning!"
Yes, it was usually morning when these chipper personalities came to visit.
The assemblage of students would respond with their own scattered mumbling of "good morning."
The perky personality at the front would then come back with a statement that usually went like this, "I can't heeeeaaar you, I SAID goood morning!"
I felt it was reasonable for the personality to conclude that most of the gathered children had responded with a counter-greeting and had not said something random like "these chairs are super-hard" or "why are we heeerre?"
Perhaps the person at the front was not quite bright enough to figure out that most people respond to a greeting with an equivalent greeting. The only conclusion for me was that the speaker was a bit dull and had not been able to make out what we had said.
Now, to me, it was understandable that they might have not heard us the first time. After all, most of the students had not responded and those who had responded had not responded with anything resembling synchronization. So I, like the others, would always give them the benefit of the doubt and respond with a resounding "good morning!" This one was always delivered in a form that was clear and audible to everyone in the entire building.
Now you can hear us, alright?
Nope. The speaker would stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that the verve and volume of our greeting was good enough.
"I caaaan't heeeear you!" the speaker would bellow cheerfully, "I said goood moooorning!"
Said, it should be noted, was always pronounced with two syllables.
At this point, I would stop responding. Not only had we delivered the speaker a resounding good morning, but it had been far superior in both volume and clarity to the greeting the personality had now rendered unto us three times.
My fellow students never seemed to feel the same way and would scream another greeting at the top of their lungs. This deafening greeting was far less polished and clear than the previous one, but it made up for that with a volume that shook the foundations of nearby buildings.
"That's better," the personality would say, with a self-satisfied smile that said wow, I really got these kids' attention in an amusing and entertaining way.
Probably not, if this is the only part of your speech that I can remember.