Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Boerishbwoy Anthems

1) Bob Marley - One Drop
2) Buju Banton - Close One Yesterday
3) Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
4) Ben Harper - Amen Omen
5) Bob Marley - Jamming
6) Jack Johnson - The Horizon Has Been Defeated
7) Sizzla - I Wonder
8) Buju Banton - Murderer
9) U2 - Pride
10) Damian Marley - Stand a Chance
11) Bob Dylan - Knockin' On Heaven's Door
12) Bob Marley - Redemption Song
13) The Roots - Distortion to Static
14) Buju Banton - Untold Stories
15) Bob Marley - Bad Card
16) Wyclef Jean - Gunpowder
17) Bounty Killer - Look
18) U2 - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
19) Jimmy Cliff - The Harder They Come
20) Toots Hibbert and Ben Harper - Love Not Gonna Let Me Down

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Originally, this post was going to be a review of Syriana, which, incidentally, is an excellent movie; but fate decided to intervene.

Now some people go to the movie theatre to enjoy films and some people, like the infantile imbeciles who sat behind my beautiful date and me, go to the movie theatre to giggle into their hands and carry on snickering commentaries. I don't know if the line to see Chicken Little was too long or if the local Blockbuster ran out of copies of Gigli. I'm not sure if, in some kind of weed-induced dyslexia, these hee-hawing halfwits mistook the word Syriana for the question Dude, Where's My Car? I'm not certain if "Thanks for the delicious strawberry juice" translates into some kind of hilarious joke that only obtuse muttonheads can understand, but to most people it just isn't a funny phrase.

I am sure that you got more out of the the air bubbles you slurped out of your drink for five minutes then you did out of what you seem to think was some kind of hilarious comedy. I do know that the subtle characterization, the masterful storytelling, and the superb acting were entirely wasted on you and your phlegmatic friends. I am certain that if the back of my seat could have kicked you back it would have been merciful and not kicked you in the head, so as to avoid any further brain damage.

Oh, and you don't always have to sit in my vicinity. I try to avoid you and your friends by not going to see movies with Adam Sandler or movies that are advertised using the word "outrageous" or which start out with "from the people who brought you White Chicks" but somehow you always find us. Please stop stalking us. Thank you.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Real Questions Asked About Canada after Vancouver won the Olympic Bid for 2010

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact
for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of
anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself
with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

ESL Knock Knock

"Knock knock."

"What's that?"

" . . . . no, no, you say who's there?"

" . . . . ."

"Knock knock."

"What's that?"

"No, who's there?"

"Yeah, who?"

"No, who's there?"

"How you mean?"

"Knock Knock."

" . . . "

"Who's there?"

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Okay."

"Uuuh."

"This is a joke?"

"Yes, and you ask boo who?"

"Why?"

"It's how the joke works."

"So, knock, knock."

"What's that?"

"No, who's there?"

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo . . . who?"

"Don't cry, it's only me."

" . . . okay."

"It's a knock knock joke."

"Okay, so who is crying?"

"You are, you said boo who."

"You say me to."

"I told you to."

"Yeah, you told me to."

"It's a knock knock joke, that's your line."

"I don't understand."

"You know, boo hoo, it's like you're crying."

"This is a joke?"

"It's a knock knock joke, I guess knock knock jokes don't translate well."

"No, they doesn't."

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Update:

- I was looking at my blog links . . . like do de do de do Deboer, Dijkema, Donkersloot, Guthrie, Harsevoort, Koyzis, Greydanus, Groen, Joustr . . . wait a second, how did I screw up the alphabet like that?

- I went to a United Church today and all the people were old, except for me.

- Vicente likes Fifty Cent.

- I made marble cheesecake yesterday and it turned out.

- There are some more additions to my blog links to make. First, the long overdue addition of Estime Ntwari, my brother-in-law, and Graziella Keranda, my sister-in-law. These aren't blogs but they do give you a bit of an idea of what these fine young people like. Second, Marcel Mutoni, a new Ottawa friend whose writing has thoroughly impressed me.

- I do not like cold weather.

- Thinking of seeing Syriana tonight.

- Yesterday I went to the local Maxi (le moins cher) and they played O Holy Night back to back to back and then they went into the French version back to back. Aaaaargh.

- Bah Humbug.

- Greek students are not offended by "Xmas"

- Vicente has a detachable spinning belt buckle that says "G-Unit" on it and functions as a lighter.

- I lied about the spinning part in an effort to be funny. In fact, his watch has a spinner on it.

- Marcellin should drop the "in" add "us" and change his last name to Wallace.

- Is it possible to insert gifs onto blogs?

- Big Gulps huh? Well see ya later.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

For All the Napoleon/Usher Fans out there:

Yeah
The Secularization of Lewis

Tilda Swinton, who plays the witch in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, was asked about the book's religious metaphor. "What religious metaphor?" she replied, "a lot of people know that C.S. Lewis was a very well-known Christian apologist, and for them the religious allegory will be important but there are many millions of other people for whom it is not."

"I think that when people see the movie, they will see what the filmmakers have done here is to make a genuinely faithful adaption of a C.S. Lewis children's story --- but, you know the Christians are welcome," she continued.

"Oh, gee thanks," replied Lewis as he rolled over in his grave.

Who deh?

Followers