Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Rafael den Boer: Corrections and Addendums

Boerishbwoy recently published a product review of Rafael den Boer. There have been several developments in the last six months which have forced us to issue the following corrections and addendums:

 • Although the utility of the product still remains in question and while, in fact, the production of soiled diapers and drool has actually increased, it has been observed that the product has made several efforts to “help” with various tasks around the house. On further review, however, the product was merely reaching for the items in his father’s hand (in two particular cases, a duster and a barbecue spatula) in order to stick them into its mouth. For this reason and because the product continues to require constant upgrades, attention, and maintenance costs, the rating of 2/10 remains unchanged.

 • The previous review cited concerns about future balding for this model of den Boer. Because of how vigorously the product rubs its head against its sleeping surface during its frequent periods of dormancy, it has bald spots on the back and the sides of its head. Recent hair growth on its scalp, however, has led to renewed hopes of a full head of hair within the next one to two months. Since the original review, the product has developed a charming crooked smile, brighter eyes, greater size, and a “look.” This “look” is best described as a “side-eye” that communicates a certain skepticism toward the subject of the look. On reviewing the previous score of 10/10 on aesthetics, we realize that the original score did not allow room for improvement. A new rating of 12/10 has been issued because, I mean, look at this guy.

• The product has developed a wide array of new sounds, none of which have been combined into any comprehensible order that could be construed as human language. Occasionally, the product will strike a conversational tone, but very little is communicated beyond a vague sense that the product is content or excited about something. The product has also developed a signature laugh. While the alarm feature has thankfully decreased in frequency, it has greatly increased in volume. In addition to signalling when the product requires nutritional input, has produced by-product, or is sounding for no apparent reason, the product now also signals when the product desires entertainment. Due to the adorableness of its babbling, the audio component has been upgraded to a 7.5 out of 10.

• The product now smiles directly at its parental units and their friends and family rather than just signalling relief at evacuating its bowels. Interaction with the product has improved immensely, but somehow the social component score remains unchanged at 10 out of 10.

Who deh?