Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Ever create an entry of such staggering genius that it left you stupified beyond expression? Have you ever lost said entry by some mechanical glitch in the blog program, your genius melting into the depths of cyber-space never to be seen again?

The universe gave an insufferable cosmic groan as I attempted to publish my intellectual acumen only to have the sheer brilliance of it overload the simplistic brain of A server went down somewhere in Seattle and hordes of computer nerds rushed to figure out exactly how their supposedly flawless creation had been bested by the super-intellect of some sort of blogging deity. Somewhere on Wall Street a cyber-stock went down ten points and a sweaty, corpulent stock-broker broke down and cried. A small fissure opened in the fabric of space and time and the entire universe threatened to collapse on itself at this profound and awful injustice. The foundations of MENSA were shaken and the supposed intellectual giants resident there were reduced to shivering, crying, jealous children, screaming like spoiled three-year-olds in the candy aisle at Wal-mart. Somewhere in heaven, Solomon removed his mantle of wisdom in anticipation of handing it down to me.

Well, ok, it wasn't that good, but I'm not too happy.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Monday, December 08, 2003

I doubt the veracity of this, particularly because of the last paragraph, but it is interesting nonetheless.

The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter, Fall Issue, 1894:

INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City


To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.

The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he's huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.

As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

A Rob Joustra Post in Cockney

After intermission at the concert last night the choristors were makin' their way hammer and tack to the bloody black box. As we were walkin' I seen Guvnor Dijkema and promptly gave 'im two good luck slaps on the buttox. Unfortunately 'arry Vandyke were similarly waitin' there wishin' the choristors a good second 'alf and wen 'e witnessed this 'e muttered in some shock, right, "Robert... behave yorself!", right, wiv all the bloody eye-brow raisin' we've come ter know and luv.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Phobias for Everyday Use

Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
Francophobia- Fear of France or French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
Proctophobia- Fear of rectums.
Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.
Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Jack Van Impe

On Sunday I watched Jack Van Impe's enlightening program Jack Van Impe Presents. The show masquerades as a World News program. A waifish-looking woman with a thin head, big blond hair, and a high pitched voice presents news items and then Jack Van Impe, a jolly beefy fellow with a big smile and a tidal wave of hair parted to the one side, presents "Biblical prophecy" on those events.

As I watched the show I grew increasingly confused (well, more amused than confused.) At one point the woman read a news item about the European Union, after which she read news items on Crucifixes being banned in Italian schools, and the pope condemning this. Then Jack Van Impe began to tie this all into Scripture. It really is amazing how much Scripture Mr. Van Impe has memorized - he punctuates his sentences with Scripture references with machine-gun rhythm. Basically the conclusion that Mr. Van Impe came to was that the antichrist was going to rise out of the European Union which was going to begin the one-world nation and force everyone to wear some sort of repetitive three-digit number on their forehead.

According to his website, Russia is still a force of evil (I thought that ended when Gorbachev, with that mark on his head, lost power), and the nations that oppose Russia include "Tarshish and the lions thereof" - namely Great Britain, the USA, Canada, and Australia and their possessions (I suggest calling it the Anglo-Protestent Union) and the EU (which confused me because Great Britain is part of the EU, no?) who will then set up the antichrist on the throne in Jerusalem and all that jazz.

Citing Jermiah 31:5, Mr. Van Impe claimed the Bible contained airplanes. Jeremiah 31:5 reads: "Like birds hovering overhead, the Lord Almighty will shield Jerusalem; he will shield and deliver it, he will pass over it and will rescue it." Perhaps if you read "like" as "with" than you can have some sort of interpretation of prophecy where the USAF has jets hovering over Jerusalem protecting it from the EU.

I'm sure he had a heyday with Iraq being the site of ancient Babylon, there's a lot you can do (read "do" as "abuse") with Biblical prophecy there.

Oi vey.

Who deh?