Saturday, May 08, 2004

A Plugged In Review of the Bible

The Story
An Almighty Being creates the universe out of nothing, but his plans seemingly go awry when two of his creatures (played by Adam and Eve) rebel against him and introduce sin into the world. Sin wreaks havoc on creation and it's not long before people are killing eachother, fornicating, and building towers which are too tall. In a long convaluted plot interrupted by various laws, instructions, geneologies, platitudes, prophecies, and even poetry, the book follows the adventures and misadventures of God and his people. In the second section of the book God sends his son (played by the always delightful Jesus Christ) who performs many miracles, tells the people stories, and is quickly killed. The rest of the book deals with the fallout from this brutal killing and Jesus' later resurrection. The final section of the book is a strange combination of apocalyptic prophecy and descriptions of strange looking animals.
Positive Elements
The Triune God is the only redeeming element in this book --- every other character is tragically flawed. There are many positive promotions of love, goodness, and high moral behaviour in this book but that doesn't change the fact that this book does not shy away from portraying extremely grotesque behaviour. Many of this books spiritual points deserve praise.
Spiritual Content
The Bible promotes an afterlife, the spiritual side of human beings, and issues relating to salvation.
Sexual Content
Right from the beginning, it seems, this book cannot keep itself from straying into territory which is lewd, at best. Adam and Eve are copulating already in the Fourth chapter of Genesis with Cain quickly following suit (with his sister no less!) The sons of God begin to sleep with the daughters of men and coincidentally this is when the wickedness becomes the greatest on the earth. Noah sleeps naked, prompting one of his sons to do something inappropriate. Abram marries his half-sister and then, with her encouragement, sleeps with his Egyptian maidservant to produce some offspring. The men of Sodom and Gomorrah attempt to rape three guests at a man's (played by Lot) house. Later, when the cities are destroyed, Lot's daughters sleep with him while he is in a drunken stupor. Jacob takes two wives and sleeps with their maidservants as well. A woman (played by Dinah) is raped by Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite. A philandering Judah sleeps with Tamar, his daughter-in-law disguised as a prostitute. Samson sleeps with a prostitute. In a particularly gruesome story, a Levite stays at an old man's house while the people urge the old man to give the man up for homosexual relations. The old man refuses and the concubine is sent out instead and brutally raped. Later the Levite chops up the concubine and sends the parts throughout the land to inspire the people to action. David takes many wives and kills a man to commit adultery with the man's wife. His son also takes many wives and concubines. Many sexually immoral kings rule Israel. This book is very explicit and Song of Songs unashamedly describes two lovers going at it.
Violent Content
The book is filled with violence. Already in the fourth chapter a man is murdered. God wipes the people off the face of the earth in a violent flood, only saving a few. Two cities are burned to the ground. The sons of Jacob brutally murder an entire city after ordering them to be circumcized. God kills the firstborn of all of Egypt. People are stoned for seemingly minor infractions. The Israelites are instructed to carry out genocide. War is a constant theme, with invasions, sieges and violent murders. God has a habit of striking people dead. In one gruesome story, Ehud stabs a king and the sword is swallowed into his folds of fat. Samson kills many Philistines. Shamgar son of Anath kills 600 of them with an oxgoad. David slays a giant, and conducts pillaging raids throughout the countryside. An innocent man is unjustly and barbarically put to death.
Crude or Profane Language
Saul refers to his son as a "son of a peverse and rebellious woman." Many curses are pronounced throughout the book. In a strange picture Israel is compared to a prostitutue whose lovers have genitals like donkeys and emissions like horses.
Drug and Alcohol Content
Noah becomes drunk. Lot overindulges in drink. The people in the Bible drink much wine. Jesus even turns some water into wine, setting a bad example for the youth.
Other Negative Elements
Evil spirits make a number of appearances throughout the book.
While the book is filled with numerous positive messages, it simply cannot be recommended for family reading as it drips with blood and sexual explicitness. Unfortunate, considering God's other great works.

Friday, May 07, 2004

The Declaration of the Summer Months

I have seemingly abandoned the blogging world for the lawns of the Greater Hamilton Area and the wiles of my girlfriend. Fear not, I say, for this blog has not been forsaken. For though my mistress, the blog, is well-treated during the cold winter months when the grass lies brown and shrivelled under volumnious piles of debauched snow which, with whorish abandon, lies over anything and everything; For though my blog is given tender love and attention during the bitter Autumn when my girlfriend is studiously tucked in a corner of Ottawa; For though the summer affords me little time for my dear blog; For though this sentence is extremely complex and unwieldy --- for though all these things, I must confess that I still have some time to hastily steal visits to this lonely mistress, my blog.

Oh Blog, Oh Blog! You sit in your dusty corner
feeling like an outsider, an alien, or a foreigner
as I abandon you for the charms green grass
a Wilson Sentar, books, and a beautiful lass
Fear not, oh blog, I remember you still
and I'll write in you again, I promise I will
Sometimes I read something or something happens to me
and I say, "that is going in my blog. Definitely."
But then I come home with my limbs so sore,
a girlfriend to please, and other such chores
and I have as much time for my blog
as I have to go dancing in a pair of clogs
I know that last rhyme was a little stretch
and really ridiculous, I hope you didn't retch
but I'm writing this ode in a hurry, you know
because my girlfriend's here and I got to go.

Who deh?