Wednesday, March 28, 2007

A Story with a Complete Lack of Thought or Direction Rendered as Quickly as Possible in a Sort of Stream of Consciousness

There was a man who bought an apple from a politician who had once met a Swede who had given him a very similar fruit. The politician swore that this apple had special properties which would render him strong and wise beyond his wildest dreams. The man felt that was difficult, because the man had some fairly wild dreams. In one of his dreams he had deconstructed an entire house using only his eyelashes. This, of course is impossible, but the man wondered if this apple would indeed give him the ability to deconstruct a house using his eyelashes. Or, he wondered further as he remembered a particularly bizarre dream, he wondered if eating the apple would put him back into the embarassing situation of walking in slow motion over a wire on top of Niagara Falls while clad entirely in nothing while on international television. He hoped not. This was why he hesitated before buying the apple. No, he did not hesitate because it seemed ludicrous that an apple could fulfill his wildest dreams. He hesitated because he was afraid of his wildest dreams coming true. The apple looked much like a Macintosh. In fact, the man could have sworn that it was a Macintosh. The politician, sweating profusely as he swore up and down about the magic properties of this apple, was very gifted with his tongue. The man asked the politician why he was selling such a valuable apple and the politician insisted that it was because he had the best interests of the working class in mind. A class, the politician added, which you are clearly a part of. The man wondered why the politician thought it was permissable to end a sentence in a preposition and then promptly turned to the question of price. The politician remembered how the Swede had charged him several thousand crooners or kroners or whatever currency it was and so he muttered something about the price being negotiable. The man offered four dollars, reasoning that an apple was relatively inexpensive - usually only costing a few cents. A magic apple, therefore can only be so much more. The politician sneered and all thought of the working class seemed to have been forgotten. The politician insisted that the apple would cost approximately ten times as much. The man offered forty dollars and the politician scoffed once again. When the man pointed out that forty was ten times as much as four the politician pointed out that he had been speaking figuratively. The man then offered forty-five dollars and the politician said that he would have to withdraw the offer of the apple unless he received a more reasonable offer. The man then offered one hundred dollars and the politicians nodded and then, thinking twice, scoffed once again. The man decided to leave because he was not all that hungry for an apple and the idea of the apple fulfilling his wildest dreams still scared him. The politicians reiterated that the apple would give him strength and wisdom beyond his wildest dreams. The man suddenly realized that all of his fear about his wildest dreams being fulfilled from eating the apple had been for naught. He had not thought about having such wisdom or strength before. He decided to bid four hundred dollars for the apple. The politician nodded, considered the offer, and then gave the man the apple. The man handed over the money and, with perspiration dripping from his face, took the first bite of the apple. It was a little tart, but over all very good. He tried to think wise thoughts but nothing particularly wise came to him. He tried to lift a nearby dump truck, but merely looked ridiculous. I suppose, he thought, I suppose my wildest dreams never touched these concepts. At least the apple was juicy.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Song of the Moment: Fugees featuring Stephen Marley - No Woman No Cry

Stephen Marley's vocals are uncanny in their similarity to his father's. Of course, the original live versions of this song by Bob Marley can't be topped. Stephen Marley, Wyclef Jean, and Lauryn Hill sing while Ziggy Marley plays the drums.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Current conditions include heavy prophetic activity at 159 degrees on the Rapture Index. Be warned, a 160 degree measurement on the Rapture Index is a "fasten your seatbelt" warning for imminent end times occurrences. The Rapture Index is "a prophetic speedometer of end-time activity" which does not mean to predict the rapture, but is designed to measure the "types of activity that could act as a precursor to the rapture." There are, according to the Rapture Index website, two functions for the Rapture Index (from here-on referred to as the RI). The first is "to factor together a number of related end time components into a cohesive indicator" while the second is "to standardize those components to eliminate the wide variance that currently exists with prophecy reporting." The higher the number on the RI, the faster we are moving towards a "pre-tribulation rapture."
On this "Dow Jones Industrial Average of end-time activity," helpful categories such as globalism, Persia, ecumenical activity, and liberalism are complemented by measurements of floods, plagues, and earthquakes. It is nice to know that as American unemployment rates and American crime rates rise the entire world heads more quickly towards a rapture. Interestingly enough, although the overall crime rate in the United States fell, the fact that several key American cities saw a rise in violent crime means that that particular index goes up. Also interesting is that the Democrats taking control of the U.S. Senate raises the RI. Basically, any item of news relating to any of the seemingly arbitrary categories will raise the overall RI.

Ah John Darby, what have you wrought?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Song of the Moment: Open the Doors - Richie Spice

"I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry!" - Martin Luther King Jr.
Jah sent Jonah to Ninevah to warn them and him never really wanna go
Jah sent Jonah to Ninevah to warn and send troubles and a bag of woe
Open the doors for the people in poverty
Open the doors if you care for humanity
Open the doors help the people of society out there (x2)

I see you laugh, and enjoying doing everything you want
scuba-dive and you ski and everyday you gallivant
while the masses of the people out there die of need and want
out there
you say that's okay yet you have a spirit smeared
while the seed that you sow is the fruit that's going to bear
can't wear the shoe, you put your sneakers on the pier
out there (chorus)

"Freedom, justice, and equality" - MLK
Don't live one race inferior while another's superior, we're losing the race with war and crime out there
for the people in the Middle East, for the people in the West Indies (chorus)

So many rivers running by still some people got no water
so many houses and land still some got no place to sleep
so much food still some got no food to eat
so much sign to us and still some ah them never will know joy
so much suffer in the street, yes,
so much mouths nah get to eat, yeah
so much war, people searching for peace (chorus)

Who deh?