Tuesday, August 19, 2008

An English Evangelical clergyman found himself alone in a French railway compartment with a large Frenchman busily engaged in getting outside the contents of a luncheon basket. Thinking that he should lose no opportunity of spreading the Gospel, especially among people as materialistic as the French, he leaned towards the Frenchman and asked in a low voice:
'Do you love Jesus?'
The Frenchman paused for a moment and then said:
'Yes, I love your English cheeses. But most of all I love our French Camembert.'

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Boerishbwoy's Brilliantly Original Movie Ideas

1) Two cops, one black, one white, get caught in an investigation that is way over their heads. There is a foot-chase resulting in an explosion. One cop, the hot-head, is forced to turn in his badge while the other, the comedian, is hot on the tail of the drug-lord. The hot-head saves the comedian despite their strained relationship. There are many explosions. There is a spectacular car chase that causes several explosions as well as the overturning of a fruit cart. The hot-head explodes with rage. A warehouse shoot-out causes several large explosions. One cop is shot in the shoulder but is still able to punch the drug-lord off of a rooftop so that he lands on the roof of a car. The previously mentioned scene occurs in slow motion.

2) Someone should really make a movie based on a comic book.

3) A team of little-league misfits gains a reluctant coach. They lose every game until the coach starts giving them self-confidence. One player is fat, another is very short, another has red hair, and another has a bad attitude. The team loses spectacularly to a team of bigger boys who have better equipment and a military approach to the game. After this horrible defeat, the team starts to win their games, and they get new uniforms and better equipment. There is a rift between the players and the coach, but they make up and eat pizza. The team makes it to the championship against the previously mentioned team. It is the bottom of the ninth, there are two outs, the bases are loaded, the score is 14-11 for the opponents, and the fat kid who always strikes out is up to bat. The coach gives him a pep talk which references Babe Ruth striking out many times. The fat kid hits a home run. The previously mentioned scene occurs in slow motion with a lot of close ups.

4) They need to start making remakes of popular movies from previous decades.

5) A group of teenagers decide to go camping in a mysterious forest. An old-timer warns them against venturing out into the forest but he is treated rudely. One teenager is fat, another is very short, another has red hair, and another has a bad attitude. A homicidal maniac is after them. The rules of elimination are very simple: the most promiscuous dies first, then any visible minorities are wiped out, then the nerds or slightly ugly individuals are killed.* One person survives and is air-lifted to safety.

6) I have this idea where animated animals are anthropomorphized and have an adventure. Nothing has been finalized beyond the need for one fat animal. Oh, and celebrity voices are essential.

7) A young, slightly naive white teacher goes to an inner city school to teach. Other staff members warn this teacher that the students she is teaching cannot be reached. There is hip hop music. The students are rowdy and talk back to the teacher. One student is fat, another is very short, another has red hair, and another has a bad attitude. The teacher is warned by other staff members that these students are no good. The teacher uses a novel approach to reach the students. Staff members get angry about the teacher's unorthodox methods. The students demonstrate for the teacher so that the teacher is not fired. A student is shot. The previously mentioned scene occurs in slow motion. There is a funeral. The students all get passing grades, even the fat one. The students start wearing polo shirts and reciting seventeenth century poetry.

*If a visible minority is slightly ugly, nerdy, and promiscuous they will die first.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


- We are no longer residents of Québec but citizens of the great city of Ottawa.

- Typing that é was quite simple now that we have a French keyboard.

- Our new apartment has, on average, one more pool than all our previous apartments put together.

- Each morning I chase pigeons off our balcony with a stick.

- Sometimes I don't use stick, it really isn't necessary. Sometimes I just clench a fist and shake it at them in a menacing manner.

- Usually a simple lunge in their direction is sufficient.

- Laurianne argues that pigeons are actually quite intelligent because of their excellent sense of direction.

- I would argue that ninety per cent of a pigeon's brain consists of its impeccable sense of direction while the other ten per cent consists of the mechanism that allows it to leave droppings at completely random locations.

- I wonder how some Obama-ites will reacte if his election does not result in a cure for the common cold.

- The pharmacist informed me that there is no cure for my fingernail(s) except by an expensive route that may damage my liver. It's enough to drive me to heavy drinking.

- I begin teacher's college in September.

- My cousin Becky is due very soon. Karen is too, isn't she? Too many babies.

- My wife's grandfather assures her that he will pay money for a great-grandchild. No more subtle hints, I guess.

- I could not get the oven to function. I went to the superintendent who informed me that I should first decide whether I want to broil or bake whatever I was cooking. She then proceeded to delineate the differences between broiling and baking.

- A fuse on the oven was broken.

- My sister, Rachel, is beginning university at McGill in September. She will be studying neuro-science. That sounds impressive.

- I bought a watch which advertised itself as having a "chrono look." From my basic knowledge of Greek it seemed to be claiming that it had the appearance of time.

- I was much relieved when I found that the watch does keep time. Actually, "chrono look" just means it has three useless hands that do absolutely nothing but make it look like a more complicated watch than it actually is.

- Apologies again for a lack of updates. I will attempt to be more regular in my updating.

- My clustrmap is looking rather forlorn and unimpressive.

- Song of the Moment - Asa - Fire on the Mountain.

Who deh?