Thursday, May 17, 2012

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Skit for Oma's Birthday

My Oma recently turned 90, and the family got together to celebrate her life.  One of our family's Christmas traditions is to prepare a program in which various family members share poems, songs, skits, readings, and games.  We often groan about the program, but it is really a great tradition.  We had a program for Oma's birthday as well, and I prepared one of my silly skits for the occasion.  Cousin Becky requested that I post it here.  There are a lot of jokes that will go over your head if you're not familiar with my family, but I hope you enjoy anyways.


Cousin 1 – “What you up to there, cuzzo?”
Cousin 2 – “. . .”
Cousin 1 – “Say, what are you up to there, cuzzarina?”
Cousin 2 – “Oh, hey there.”
Cousin 1 – “Watcha doin’, Cuzzamication?”
Cousin 2 – “Just trying to write a script for a skit for Oma’s birthday.”
Cousin 1 – “You do realize that we’re celebrating her birthday today, don’t you?”
Cousin 2 – “A little tight on the deadline, am I?”
Cousin 1 – “You might say that or you might say that you have absolutely no chance whatsoever of writing an entire skit before Oma goes to bed tonight.”
Cousin 2 – “It’s only 9.”
Cousin 1 – “Exactly.”
Cousin 2 – “Thanks for the encouragement.”
Cousin 1 – “No problem, Lieutenant Cuzzombo.”
Cousin 2 – “. . .”
Cousin 1 – “Say, you want some help?”
Cousin 2 – “Sure.”
Cousin 1 – “Whatcha got so far?”
Cousin 2 – “I thought it would be nice to have a skit of the whole family at the supper table back in the day.”
Cousin 1 – “Oh brilliant.  Is there a way that we can make fun of Uncle Dave’s jokes?”
Cousin 2 – “Well yes, I have this set up where he makes a terrible pun and Aunt Jane and him give their signature laughs.”
Cousin 1 – “You mean ‘Aunt Jane and he”, right?”
Cousin 2 – “What?”
Cousin 1 – “Well, you see Aunt Jane and Uncle Dave are the subjects of the clause ‘give their signature laughs’ so it should be ‘Aunt Jane and he give their signature laughs’.”

Cousin 2 – “. . .”
Cousin 1 – “You wouldn’t say ‘him give signature laugh’ now, would you?”
Cousin 2 – “No, and thanks for correcting a sentence that’s not even in the skit.  But you have given me an idea for some Uncle Marten jokes.”
Cousin 3 – “Hey guys, what is up?”
Cousin 1 - “We’re just writing a skit for Oma’s birthday.”
Cousin 3 – “Oh, make sure it’s sentimental.”
Cousin 2 – “Sentimental?”
Cousin 3 – “Yeah, we want her to know how much we love her, right?”
Cousin 1 – “Good call.”
Cousin 3 – “And it should rhyme.”
Cousin 2 – “Do you know how difficult it is to . . .”
Cousin 1 – “Awww yeah, a rhyming skit.  That is awesome.”
Cousin 3 – “Is there a way that we can refer to the incident of the broken dish of Christmas 2010?”
Cousin 1 – “You mean the incident in which Aunt Jane assured Aunt Rita that it would be perfectly fine to microwave her favourite dish and then it shattered into pieces and cut Uncle Dave’s hand?”
Cousin 3 – “Yes, that incident.”
Cousin 1 – “I think so.”
Cousin 2 – “You do realize that this entire skit is set in, like, 1965, right?”
Cousin 1 – “Yeah, so?”
Cousin 2 – “That incident didn’t occur until 45 years later.”
Cousin 3 – “Your point?”
Cousin 2 – “How can we possibly refer to an event that hasn’t even happened yet?  I mean, microwaves definitely weren’t invented yet.”
Cousin 1 – “It’s called foreshadowing, Cuzzelia Bedalia.”
Cousin 3 – “Or time travel!”
Cousin 1 – “Even better!”
Cousin 2 – “Okay . . . time travel, sentimentality, and rhyming.  Am I missing anything?”
Cousin 4 – “Hey guys, what’s happening?”
Cousin 1 – “We’re just writing a skit for Oma’s birthday.”
Cousin 4 – “Oh, make sure you have a clever math joke in there.”
Cousin 1 – “ . . . “
Cousin 2 – “. . .”
Cousin 3 – “. . .”
Cousin 4 – “You know, something to highlight the fact that Oma is turning 90.”
Cousin 2 – “How on earth will we . . .?”
Cousin 4 – “Look, we’ve had a lot of skits and none of them have ever had a clever math joke in them.”
Cousin 2 – “Maybe there’s a good reason for that.”
Cousin 4 – “Math joke!”
Cousin 2 – “How can we insert a math joke into a den Boer dinner scene circa 1965?”
Cousin 4 – “Pie.”
Cousin 2 – “Pie?”
Cousin 4 – “How many degrees in a circle?”
Cousin 2 – “360.”
Cousin 4 – “Divided by 4?”
Cousin 2 – “90.”
Cousin 4 – *snicker*
Cousin 2 – “Not sure I get it.”
Cousin 4 – “Oma is turning 90.”
Cousin 2 – “Still not registering as funny.”
Cousin 3 – “Maybe you could add a reference to pi in there – you know, 3.14157 etc.”
Cousin 4 – *More snickering*
Cousin 2 – “You really love mathematics, don’t you?”
Cousin 4, deadly serious – “It is my life.”
. . .
Cousin 2 – “And now . . . presenting the skit for Oma’s birthday.”
Setting – Oma, Opa, Aunt Arianne, Aunt Rita, Uncle Marten, Uncle Dave, and Aunt Jane sitting down for a meal.
Aunt Arianne – “Mom, can you tell us a little about you?”
Oma – “I was born in Leens on April 13th, 1922.”
Opa – “A very beautiful girl, you know it’s true.”
Uncle Dave – “Ugh, so sentimental, it makes it hard to chew.”
Oma – “David, you should cut your meat a little smaller.”
Aunt Rita – “Yes Davey, maybe then you’ll actually grow taller.”
Uncle Marten – “I can’t see him getting any smaller.”
Aunt Arianne – “Mom, can you tell us of the days when you were a scholar?”
Oma – “I was very good in the gym, I was lean and quick.”
Opa – “She can wrestle each of you girls down, what a chick!”
Uncle Dave – “Oh, all this lovey-dovey, I think I’m going to be sick.”
Uncle Marten – (aside) “And now I hit Davey with a well-timed kick.”
*Uncle Dave yelps*
Opa – “Let Mom continue David, she’s telling her story.”
Uncle Dave – “I don’t know what came over me, I’m sorry.”
Oma – “I grew up on a farm near Schiphol Airport, and Dav iddon’t worry.”
Aunt Rita – “How many brothers and sisters Oma? To me it’s blurry.”
Oma – “Engelbert, Jo, Pieter, Jan Willem, Dirk, Nicolaas and Henry (or Hank).”
Uncle Dave *does mental calculations – “That’s six altogether, and you can take that to the bank.”
Uncle Marten – “Actually, it’s seven, Jan Willem is one person, to be frank.”
Aunt Rita – “Don’t become an accountant, later I’m sure you’ll give us thanks.”
Oma – “Anyways, I met Dad when we sat on a wagon together for a parade.”
Opa – “It was all a set up by Pim and Mevrouw Bisheuvel, a sort of charade.”
Oma – “I wasn’t impressed when I first met him, but I’m glad he stayed.”
Opa – “It was worth all of the persistence and dedication I paid.”
*Aunt Rita from the future appears*
Future Aunt Rita – “I come from 2012 to give Rita a notification.  Rita, in Christmas 2010 don’t let Jane put your dish through a microwave degradation.”
Uncle Marten – “Microwaves?  What is this future abomination?”
Aunt Rita – “I must go now, but heed my words or face future irritation!”
*Aunt Rita from the future disappears.”
Oma – “That was very strange, that woman appearing in our place.”
Aunt Jane – “So you were telling us how Dad gave you chase.”
Oma – “We were married on October 30, 1946, I wore lace.”
Opa – “And eventually moved to Canada where there was more space.”
Aunt Arianne – “The pie is ready for us to cut.”
Uncle Marten – “Interesting, if you cut it in four, guess you what?”
Uncle Dave – “Then a quarter of a pie is going in my gut?”
*Aunt Jane and Uncle Dave laugh*
Uncle Marten – “No, a quarter of 360 is 90, Dave keep your mouth shut.”
Aunt Jane – “And what is the significance of 90 here?”
Uncle Marten – “Well remember the lady who came, remember she said the year?”
Aunt Jane – “2012, I recall, before she decided to disappear.”
Uncle Marten – “Well Mom will be 90 then, that much is clear.”
All – “Oma we love you, and we hold you dear.”

Monday, May 07, 2012

A few months ago, I  finished reading I am Legend, a book by Richard Matheson that was made into a blockbuster film starring Will Smith. I noticed a few small differences between the book and the film:


~ Robert Neville isn't a famous army scientist in the book, he's a veteran and blue collar veteran who knows how to use the library.
~ There is no Bob Marley in the book, just classical music.
~ There is no helicopter crash in the book.
~ There are no mannequins in the book.
~ There are no super-labs in Robert Neville's basement in the book.
~ There is a lady that Robert Neville meets in the book, but she doesn't have a kid with her and she is definitely not motivated by anything approaching the same reasons as the woman in the film.
~ The book takes place in the seventies not during the 2000s.
~ There are no lions or gazelles in the book.
~ The amazing number of broken glasses and imbibed alcoholic beverages in the book make no appearance in the movie.
~ The dog in the book is a mutt, in the movie he's a German Shepherd.
~ In the book, the dog doesn't even really become friends with Robert Neville or appear for that long.
~ Robert Neville's home isn't a secret to the zombie vampires in the book.
~ There is an ironic twist at the end of the book while the movie has a heroic self-sacrifice. . .

Okay, I'm going to stop here and just say that the only similarities are that there is a man named Robert Neville who survives a vampire apocolypse.  He is very sad.  He meets a dog and a woman.  He tries to find a cure.  He kills many vampires.

Actually, I'm going to stop here and just say that both the book and the film weren't very good.  The book was just a shade better because of its ending, and that's really not saying much.

Wait, I'm stopping here to say that I am not to happy with this post.

For real this time, I'm stopping here just to add another line to this post.

Who deh?

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