Monday, April 12, 2010

Completely Unfair Reviews of John's Most Recently Watched Movies

The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)

Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway play chess. Also, there’s a bank robbery. McQueen really shouldn’t have castled so early just because Dunaway has such a nice smile.

Tootsie (1982)

Dustin Hoffman plays a woman, and Bill Murray makes me laugh. This is the best cross-dressing movie I have ever seen. The other one was good too, though.

The Green Zone (2010)

Jason Bourne goes to Iraq; hilarity ensues when he can’t find WMDs. Hilarity means a shaky camera, by the way.

Alien (1979)

Imagine being treated unjustly just because you do not have citizenship in your country of residence. That would suck. This movie is about a slobbering ectomorphic creature that tries to befriend a spaceship crew by playing hide and seek.

Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Dustin Hoffman makes French toast for his son. I think his recipe would be improved by adding a little cinnamon.

Yojimbo (1961)

Toshiro Mifune’s role as a masterless samurai was the greatest ever portrayal of a samurai on screen until Tom Cruise came along. It’s worth a look if you want to see the inspiration for Japan’s greatest samurai ever (Tom Cruise).

Wicker Man (1973)

A straitlaced police sergeant is invited by a group of hippies to a Burning Man festival. He is so upset by their excesses that he later becomes the Equalizer (1985-1989).

How to Train a Dragon (2010)

*Hint* You have to catch it first.

2012 (2009)

The world has recovered from the devastation unleashed by global warming only to be beset by new disasters unleashed by an ancient Mayan priest who forgot to set the Mayan calendar to infinity. Billions die, but don’t worry, the dog makes it.

A Fistful of Dollars (1964)

Clint Eastwood models his favourite poncho. As far a ponchos go, it’s pretty good one.

Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

Charles Bronson returns a beloved harmonica to its rightful owner. He doesn’t play it very well anyways, so it’s all good.

The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)

Clint Eastwood fights against the abolition of slavery, despite the fact that he’s already been ruled against by Mr. Lincoln. Lincoln is tough, so slavery is abolished despite Eastwood’s best efforts.

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