Tuesday, April 20, 2010

In Which I Answer Some Serious Questions - Part 2

In which I answer more questions from this site.

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If there were only a way we could measure the elapsed movie time and compare it to the time on the box. Until then, we will never know.

What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?

It actually stems from the original thirties initialism PAU, which stands for Palpable Airborne Ugliness.

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Nobody has referred to their clothes as garments since the Victorian era.

Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?

There needs to be a new word, other than stupid, for the complete and utter idiocy of this question. I’m going to address the less stupid, yet still incredibly stupid, aspect of this ridiculously stupid question. No wait, I can’t find it. You probably had a teacher who told you that there was no such thing as a stupid question. I feel bad for this teacher, there was no way that they could have anticipated this level of stupidity.

What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?

No, they’re egg-specting.

If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

Absolutely they would not.

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

An ambulance is an emergency vehicle lacking opposable thumbs and, as such, cannot administer first aid.

Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?

Because it’s funny to the people watching.

Do you yawn in your sleep?

I yawned in this question.

Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?

For the same reason that goats eat garbage and monkeys throw their shit.

If a cannible (sic) was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted (sic) for his last meal?

It’s interesting that the last really stupid question was also about cannibals.

Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?


Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?

No, but they do start transmitting Morse code.

If you died with braces on would they take them off?

Dagnabbit, this question was covered in Part 1, don’t you pay attention?

If someone has their nose pierced, have (sic) a cold, and take(sic) their(sic) nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole?

Only if the individual has trouble with faulty parallelism.

How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?

It’s because of the man, man.

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

Neither, I usually start shaving first.

Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?

He did, he kept them in a Titanium lockbox.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Because book-publishing was invented in countries that don’t have the American legal code.

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

You can’t. This is why one-armed bandits are greatly feared among law enforcement agencies.

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

Yes, because I’m Canadian and they have no business breaking down my door.

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

It’s for your inspired doodles.

Why can't donuts be square?

They can, they’re called Dutchies.

Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?

I’ll answer the related question that you’re afraid to ask: this is probably why you smell like a damp mouldy towel.

What happens to an irrisitable (sic) force when it hits an immovable object?

Since both things cannot exist in the same universe, they proceed to have an argument over who is stronger. Whoever loses, ceases to exist.

If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?

Yes, smell travels at a speed of up to sixty-five kilometers an hour and remains for five stops after the guy who does not wash his towels, or possibly doesn’t even use them, has exited the bus.

Why do overalls have bel (sic) loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?

The loops are there so the farmer has somewhere to put his thumbs, other than his overall straps, when he’s relaxing.

Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how?

Prisoners don’t celebrate anything, they just mope.

Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?


Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?

Because Harry Potter sucks.

What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?

Δεν καταλαβαίνω

What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?

Their brother.

Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?

Oooh, you used the word “conversely.” Nice.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Only if they sneak in when the attendant isn’t looking.

How come cats butts go up when you pet them?

I don’t pet them.

What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?

The insignificant ocean would definitely be overwhelmed by the removal of that vast boatage.

How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?

Billboards are only changed at night during power outages by tiny gnomes.

Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?

No, they eat crumpets and scones and drink copious amounts of tea.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

The insignificant ocean would definitely be overwhelmed by the loss of all that vast sponge-age.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior (sic) when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I would have answered this question, but you forgot the definitive article in front of the word Interior.

Why does Jell-o have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?

Remember when Bill Cosby had those Jell-O commercials? Those were fun.

Why are dogs (sic) noses always wet?

See the previous question about dogs.

Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?

Because they want to see you get struck in the face.

Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?

Because you’re delusional.

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

I don’t know, we should call the idiom police.

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