Tuesday, June 20, 2006

John's Top Ten Non-Favourite Musical Phenomenons

1) G-Unit. This entire mumbling group of overrated and seriously-misguided bathroom stall-level lyricists represent, in my mind, all of the decadence and grade-school braggadacio that makes hip hop one of the most misunderstood genres of music. With the exception of Mobb Deep (why, oh why?) the entire gangsta-fied posse is the lyrical equivalent of Chad Kroeger farting. On a side note, if 50 Cent was a real gangsta he would have capped the guy who shot him.

2) The Black Eyed Peas. Okay, a slightly credible band added a singer to their group and rocketed to success. You would think, however, that they could have added a singer who did not need the aid of voice modulation technology to make her screeching sound half-way decent. You would also think that it was impossible for musicians to have less lyrical skill than Shaquille O'Neal freestyling. Well, it is possible, and the Black Eyed Pease have done it and done it with the worst, most vacuously stupid, single ever released in the history of music "My Humps."

3) Good Charlotte. Some people complained that Blink 182 preppified punk music, but Good Charlotte has done something much much worse. They have fused Blink 182 with a unique brand of suck that has left a vacuum so strong that the universe is in danger of collapsing on itself. Wearing tattoos does not make you edgy any more than riding an elevator makes you a risk-taker; especially if these tattoos as poorly-conceived as Benji's and whathisname's. Eyeshadow was controversial when David Bowie wore it, now it's just a desperate cry of a confused individual whose voice sounds like, well, mine. And I don't sing, because I really sound bad.

4) Masari. There simply must be better people to fill the obligatory Canadian Content requirements on our airwaves. His singing is the mucus-soaked phlegmatic nerve-grating auditory sensation that should be expected from someone who sings from his throat and through his nose. His name means "money" in Arabic, which is a pretty good summary of exactly why this music was made. It has absolutely no artistic merit and is merely a sadly successful attempt to part young fools from their "masari."

5) Daddy Yankee. I like reggae and I like a lot of latin music so why do I hate it so much when they're fused into reggaeton? Is it because half of the beats are snippets of recycled dancehall reggae beats from the nineties, because it is misogynist and derogatory, because the beats are exceptionally mundane, or because every single song sounds exactly the same? Certainly, and additionally, I cannot support a style of music that claims to be original but is basically just a parasitic tapeworm feeding off of the half-digested entrails of all of dancehall reggae's worst ideas.

6) Ashlee Simpson. If you can be caught lip-syncing on Saturday Night Live, survive an almost world record booing at the Orange Bowl after a performance reminiscent of the early stages of American Idol, and still be popular you must have preteen girls as your fanbase. If your fanbase is almost entirely preteen girls then it is reasonable to assume that you have an artistic credibility equivalent to the number of WMDs in Iraq.

7) Diddy, or P.Diddy, or Puff Daddy. Sean "Puffy" Combs announced a while back that he no longer wanted to be referred to as P. Diddy but just as plain ol' Diddy. "The P was getting in the way of me and my fans," he claimed. Never mind that this should have been a quotation from R. Kelly, but Diddy's remixing and relentless sampling and covering is the only thing that he should be claiming as getting in the way of him and his fans, that and his enormous capacity to suck. Oh, and his shameless exploitation of Notorious B.I.G.'s legacy is, well, shameless.

8) Red Rat. If you have never heard Red Rat sing, you have been blessed. Imagine Mickey Mouse's cousin singing in Jamaican patois and saying "oh noooo" a lot. Now imagine that Mickey Mouse's cousin has a slight potty-mouth, horrible lyrics, and a cartoonishly high-pitched voice. Now take what you imagined and discard it entirely because it is much much worse than you can possibly imagine.

9) Gwen Stefani. My resentment towards her music started while she was with No Doubt and tried to pay Bounty Killer a ridiculously low amount for his contribution to her song "Hey Baby." First of all, the only redeeming part of that song was Bounty Killer's verse, and, secondly, even that was weak. This can be forgotten, mostly because Bounty Killer is a badman and he got his money. Then, however, Gwen went solo and ripped off Fiddler on the Roof with her horrendous "If I Was a Rich Girl." Not only is this song teeth-grindingly annoying, but millionaires really shouldn't be allowed to express such sentiments. After ransacking broadway and reggae, Gwen set her sights on Japan. She claimed that she had been inspired by the fashion of the Harajuku girls and she released an album based on this shallow concept. Then she literally dressed up some Japanese and Japanese-American girls and paid them to vogue in the background at interviews and to dance all over her music videos. OK. Then she gave them names and forbade them to speak to the press. You name dogs, you name your guitar, you name your automobile - this is what shows your ownership of them. People already have names, and you only name people if you're their parents. Is Gwen the mother of these Harajuka girls? I don't think so. She may be old enough, but there are certain differences in their phenotype which make it highly unlikely.

10) Chris Brown. Usher. Eminem. Britney Spears. Backstreet Boys. tATu. Mario. N*sync. Madonna. New Kids on the Block. Chinggy. Shawn Desman. The Pussycat Dolls. Kelis. Lil' Jon. Shaggy. The Yin Yang Twins. et cetera et cetera ad nauseum.

15 comments:

PietHarsevoort said...

I hereby second the nomination of The Black Eyed Peas, Good Charlotte, and Ashlee Simpson. And all the others. Good list.

mutoni said...

i like the list. i most enthusiastically second the daddy yankee selection!

in fairness to fitty (and i don't know why i'm doing this considering how repulsive he and his 'band' are), the rumor goes that he did, in fact, cap the dude who shot him 9 times. either he did it himself or had one of his boys do the dirty deed.

this concludes today's lesson in needless hip hop violence and gangsterism. tune in tomorrow as we explore the absolute perfection that is Beyoncé (the hottie, not the singer).

John den Boer said...

Thanks Piet and Marcellin.

And cue Carlton Livingstone and Shabba Ranks: "Doooooon't follow rumours."

Okay fine, but fitty still sucks.

Chris Crookall said...

Hi John. Haven't seen you around bible study lately. Anyway, jsut icase you were thinking of going, don't show up at the church. The regular seasion is over. Were doing stuff at peoples houses now. Hope you haven't shoed up at a locked church.

Aaron said...

great list john, i would have to agree with what you have said on all of the musicians which you slammed in this post (althought there were a couple that i am unfamiliar with). however i think that one musician has been drastically overlooked in this post...

josh groban's music makes me cringe everytime it is being played. i have never understood why people listen to and enjoy him. josh groban's music sounds to me like the soundtrack to a really, really corny movie. the kind of movie that i don't want to watch. i don't want to think about movies that i don't want to watch. furthermore, i don't want to feel like i am in the kind of movie that i don't want to watch. and this is exactly what happens when his music is being played, i feel like some director is supposed to either yell "cut!" or "roll sound". as they used to say on the tv show "street cents" (a cbc show, and i don't know if it is on anymore) i think josh groban's music is fit for the pit.........KAPOW!!!

PietHarsevoort said...
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PietHarsevoort said...

Get ready to add Paris Hilton to your list for fouling Reggae/Ska.

John den Boer said...

Hey Chris, I'll give you a call.

Hey Aaron, someone once said that I looked like Josh Groban. Please don't hurt me.

Hey Piet, I'm going to try to ignore her musical career for as long as possible. (She took a direct sample from UB40's "Kingston Town")

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