Saturday, July 08, 2006

Dear Boerishbwoy
Dear Boerishbwoy is a non-syndicated advice column appearing randomly every-so-often on the Boerishbwoy blogsite.

Dear Boerishbwoy,
I am an eleventh-century English peasant labouring under the benevolent protection of my feudal lord. I enjoy back-breaking labour, bone-gnawing hunger, and subsistence wages as much as the next man, but sometimes I wonder if there is something more. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that my lord will allow me to run behind his castle walls in the event of some violent action by a power-hungry neighbour seeking to further his property-line. I also understand that it is only fair for me to pay a healthy chunk of my wages back in taxes, and I know that it is only just for me to pay handsome fees to use the mill and the oven. Sometimes, however, I get this feeling of repression. My wife tells me I should just count my blessings, but after those five seconds are over I still feel the same way. What should I do? - A tad repressed in Northumberland.

Dear Repressed,
So you're hungry and you're being paid slave wages. So what? At least your pate hasn't been cleaved in two by Viking raiders. Quit whining and just do your work. I have also taken the liberty of reporting you to your feudal lord. Once he gets a monk to read my letter and your lord finds aout about your apparent literacy, you'll learn what real subjugation is.

Dr, Boerishbwoy,
I dont think that u reely need to half grammer in school, lol. I mean!!! Y should we suffer, lol!!! lol!!!! I h8 doing all that werk!!! I can tipe @ 90wmp & so I hardly need something ass arkaic as grammer!!!! I alredy no big words like osterize and recapitulate and ass I half alredy shewn, I can string together a sentients, lol!!!!! Plz right back sewn xoxoxoxo lol lol lol lol!!!! - cRaSeE~Grl165

Dear cRaSeE,
You have clearly shown the power MSN Messenger has to teach proper sentence structure. You're absolutely right, you shouldn't, under any circumstances, not learn your grammar.

Dear Boerishbwoy,
I'm a member of a Mongol horde and I'm just writing to complain about the bad rep we receive in all of the modern history books. Okay, it's not that we didn't do all the atrocities we're accused of, it's just that we're represented as somehow more barbaric than say, the Greeks or Romans. Somehow, when the Greeks slaughter one third of a city it's a glorious victory, but when a Mongol does the same thing and even thinks of piling his victims' heads in an aesthetically pleasing pile, it's an atrocity. Plus, we never hang our criminals on crosses for hours and hours like the Romans. Just because we're short and a little coarse does not mean we're barbaric. - Angry Fourteenth Century Mongol.

Dear Angry,
The Greek Acropolis is much more aesthetically pleasing than your pile of decapitated heads. Also, you may not hang your criminals on crosses, but there is a certain degree of savagery in cutting a man's hamstrings and leaving him to die on the open steppe. Try not to herd a milling mass of civilians in front of yourself on your next attack and maybe historians will reconsider labelling your victories as atrocities.

Dear Boerishbwoy,
I frequent a messageboard where I display my vast superiority over other posters by scoffing at whatever they say. Then, when they refute everything I say with cold hard facts, I feign that I am bored with what they're saying by pretending to fall asleep. Pretty smart, huh? - Narcoleptic in Cyberspace.

Dear Narcoleptic,
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

7 comments:

Jake Belder said...

Dear Boerishbwoy,

I am a young man from an ugly steel town and I feel that I need to remove myself from this place by surfing for endless hours on the web, and I spend hours in side-splitting laughter when I read your stuff. Should I feel guilty?

John den Boer said...

Dear young man from an ugly steel town,

I was also a young man from an ugly steel town at one time in my life. It wasn't always easy, but I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and become the towering example of success you see today - that is, an ESL teacher with fingernail problems. In short, my answer is no, you shouldn't feel guilty.

Chris Crookall said...

Ha,ha,ha....That gramar one makes me laughf becaue of my owne bad speeling and gramer.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Here are some latest links to sites where I found some information: http://google-index.info/3227.html or http://neveo.info/2197.html

lstew said...

ah ha ha ha ha.

Who deh?

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