Friday, January 13, 2012

People I See on the Bus - The Sequel

The villain – As if any great villain would take public transportation, right? Wrong. This guy does. He is bald with an immaculately trimmed goatee. He is, without a doubt, the most snappishly dressed man I have ever seen on my bus. If I had to compare him to a villain from history, he would be a well-dressed Vladimir Lenin. If there were ever any doubt about how villainous this man is, he crooked his hands in front of himself yesterday. Crooked his hands.

Toupee man – He wears a toupee – on his head. I think he might be the villain’s sidekick.

Manute Bol – I only see him sometimes on my way home from work. Once I was sitting at the back of the bus looking down at all of the people at the bus stop and all of the sudden Manute Bol passed by at eye level. He is tall.

Girl lying to her friend - unless, of course, Natasha lives on the 95 Orleans - "I'm at Natasha's house right now."

Woman with severe mullet - It's bad. Still, she seems like a very warm individual - and that's a hard thing to pull off on public transportation.

The woman with the scalp-picking tic - She picks at the same spot on her scalp with her long fingernails every 10-20 seconds. I'm not sure why, but it irritates me beyond reason.

The most incredibly stinky human being I have ever had the misfortune of encountering
- I’ve smelled a lot of terrible smells in my life, but nothing has ever hit my olfactory centre with the screaming intensity of this woman’s unique stench. It was as if she had bathed in the collected sweat and putrescence gathered from Satan’s gangrenous armpit. I have sat beside a homeless man who smelled like wet socks and strong body odour for half an hour, I bore that smell with the stoicism of a samurai. With this woman, however, I was forced to retreat five seats backwards, and even then I smelt her. Every single person on the bus was holding a hand to their face. I am not exaggerating. There was a young girl who ran onto the bus, a picture of youthful innocence and joy. She plopped down in a seat directly across from this woman when, suddenly, all of the innocence and joy retreated from her face. It was if she had run face-first into a wall of ugliness, as if I were witnessing the death of innocence and youth. She staggered out of her seat, whirled around to the other side of her seated mother, and eyed the stinky woman with shell-shocked awe. The bus this happened on can save me five minutes some days if I time it right. I no longer risk it.

Prancing man – He lifts his legs like a Lipizzaner pony when he walks. It’s unnerving because I see all of this leg movement and he is only moving at a sauntering pace.

Woman who put on sunglasses and spent the rest of the trip staring at me - I can see your eyes, lady! It was a cloudy day, there was no need for sunglasses. No need. That was the most self-consciously I have ever read a book.

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