Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Some Common Myths Dispelled.

Myth: John is balding.
Fact: John's hairline is making a strategic withdrawal.

Myth: Boerishbwoy is written by four mysterious gnomes whose other activities include sock-stealing and high-pitched giggling.
Fact: Gnomes belong in gardens and in volumnious picture-books authored by two Dutchmen with overactive imaginations.

Myth: As an adolescent John visited northwestern Mongolia in 1974 and enraged the locals by claiming that Genghis Khan was overrated. He was only able to redeem himself after defeating the village's best wrestlers and overcoming two large bears in hand to hand combat.
Fact: Actually, it was 1987, and John was five.

Myth: Reading boerishbwoy can cure the common cold.
Fact: If you read boerishbwoy for twenty-four hours it may actually work. Your headache and nausea, however, may continue to manifest themselves.

Myth: Criss Angel is better than David Blaine.
Fact: Harry Houdini has never been surpassed.

Myth: John has a big head.
Fact: John's body is small, his head is normal-sized.

Myth: John is a member of MENSA.
Fact: John exceeds the MENSA's maximum I.Q. requirements and is, therefore, not allowed to join as it would adversely affect the egos of the membership.

Myth: John has a big head, as in he is full of himself.
Fact: John cannot understand that idiom.

Myth: Despite claiming to be too smart for MENSA, John can't understand basic idioms.
Fact: John was merely dodging.

Myth: John is a coward.
Fact: John received an award for bravery from the Royal Society of Chimeras.

Myth: John is a coward and a liar.
Fact: No, he isn't.

Myth: Yes, he is.
Fact: No.

Myth: Yes.
Fact: No.

Myth: Yes.
Fact: No.

Myth: Uh huh.
Fact: Uh uh.

Myth: John is childish.
Fact: I'm rubber and you're glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.

Myth: That sophomoric little saying proves that John is childish.
Fact: You just admitted that your sophomoric little saying proves that you are childish.

Myth: What?
Fact: I'm rubber and it bounced off of me and stuck to you because you're glue.

Myth: Yeah, but I used the third person singular which means that I just observed to myself that John's sophomoric little saying was childish.
Fact: Whatever you observed it wasn't absorbed on this end.

Myth: What a genius this John is!
Fact: Sarcasm is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Myth: Perhaps I wasn't being sarcastic. After all, it is fairly difficult to detect sarcasm in writing.
Fact: Not for this guy right here.

Myth: Whatever.
Fact: This apathy reveals an attitude which won't get you anywhere in life.

Myth: I am only apathetic about what John has to say.
Fact: You care very deeply about what I have to say.

Myth: N-
Fact: Ye-

Myth: Alright, that's enough now, John.
Fact: You're enough!

Myth: Okay, really, you have made your point.
Fact: No, I haven't.

Myth: Alright, you're just being a contrarian now.
Fact: So what?

Myth: You're not even giving the pretense of following the myth/fact dichotomy anymore.
Fact: Yes, I am.

Myth: *Sigh*
Fact: You are not as exasperated as you are pretending to be.


PietHarsevoort said...

Classic denBoer.

PietHarsevoort said...

John: I don't think I have your current e-mail address. Could you send me a note at pieter[dot]harsevoort[at]gmail[dot]com?

John den Boer said...

Hey Piet, I've sent you an e-mail from my current e-mail address.

Who deh?