Utility: 2/10
The product does not appear very useful. After more
than a week of ownership, the product has not produced anything beyond soiled
diapers and a stream of saliva. Rather than generating income, the product
seems to require constant upgrades, attention, and assorted repair and
maintenance costs.
Aesthetics: 10/10.
Product has full head of hair, big dark brown eyes, caramel
skin, and the hint of a dimple when he smiles. This is quite a bit of
improvement over the previous 1982 den Boer model, John edition. The 1952 den
Boer model, David edition, the den Boer 1923 model, Jan edition, and the Audet
1943, Jules edition also carried defective hairlines, so the hope is that the
hairline is closer to the den Boer 1950 model, Marten edition (although I’m
told that the designer only borrows from previous direct iterations).
Although this product has gunk in its eyes from time
to time, this is easily rectified with a warm wet cloth. Consensus is that the
product is incredibly cute.
Audio Component: 7/10
Although the gurgles, tiny sneezes, and grunting
noises are endearing, it appears that the software for vocalizations is
incomplete as the product does not use any recognizable vocabulary. Over the
past week, multiple attempts to upload English language comprehension into the
product were attempted without any result. The alarm feature, which notifies
users when the product requires nutritional input or has produced a rather vile
by-product, is handy. However, the product does not always sound the alarm when
the by-product has been produced and occasionally the alarm sounds for no apparent
reason. Unfortunately, the product does not have a snooze function and will
continue to sound off throughout the day and the night without regard to the
sleep requirements of the user.
Social Component: 10/10
At one point, the user was gazing into the eyes of the
product. The user felt that an important moment of reflection and love was occurring
as an expression somewhere between happiness and awe appeared in the product’s
eyes. However, several second later the product defecated profusely and rather
noisily and it became apparent that the product had merely been concentrating
on that particular function.
Despite incomplete software issues and the repeated
production of defecetary material, interaction with the product has resulted in
an unanticipated emotional bond. Whether this bond is reciprocated has not yet
been determined but, somehow, that is not important. Description of this bond seems
to be beyond the capabilities of language.
