It’s a shoe.
Dear reader, you are doubtlessly triumphantly crowing to
yourself right now that, yes, you do indeed believe that John posted this to
his blog. There is nothing outrageous about this post and it in no way
whatsoever threatens to even approach the limits of your credulity.
Ah, but allow me the chance to open your eyes to the
devious little trick that has just been played on you. John has done what we in
the blogging biz call the “ol’ bait and switch,” better known as
“clickbaiting.” This is a form of riotous entertainment in which any ordinary
post is transformed into internet traffic through sheer hyperbole. In the
future, John may gain your clicks through such cunning titles as “the Beatles
are the Least Talented Band Ever, Here is Why”, “The Way this Blogger Got Back
at a Negative Commenter is Hilarious!”,
“I Didn’t Wear Shoes and I Lived in a Water Closet for an Entire Year
and YOU CAN TOO!”, “70 Uses for a Cinder Block: You Won’t Believe Number 57!”
and “Why Shovels are Problematic: Rethinking Your Use of an Ordinary Garden
Spade.”
I may have been away from the blogging game for a while
now, but I am learning some new tricks of the game. *Inset a gif of a really cool
guy pulling his shades down over his face slowly* Gifs are also a really hip
new development in the blogging world. I do not know nor do I care to invest
the time into learning how to actually put a gif on my blog so a vague
description will have to do for now.
“Has John’s blog been reduced to clickbait and gifs?” you
ask, your eyes narrowing as anyone in your vicinity peers at you curiously,
wondering why you are talking out loud to yourself. *insert a gif of you
talking to yourself while anyone in your vicinity peers at your curiously,
wondering why you are taking out loud to youself*
The answer is no, John’s blog has not been reduced to
clickbait and gifs. In fact, it has been matured into this ultimate form. It’s
cool, it’s hip, it’s on the cutting edge of the blogging trends. Also, you can
follow me on Twitter and contribute to my Patreon.
Please note that I do not actually have an active Twitter
nor do I have a Patreon. John is incapable of expressing himself in less than 140
characters or whatever it is now. As for Patreon, if you do wish to contribute financially to
John, you can buy one of his amazing animal pun cards. Check out the hilarious
example below.
I'll recycle an old pitch for them:
"You
walk to the card aisle, and you spend precious minutes trying to select the
perfect one. "If only these cards had more animal puns," you sigh to
yourself as you finally select Hallmark Greeting Card Number 3789A. You sense
the clerk is laughing at you as you dish out over $6 for the card. "There
aren't even animal puns on this card," you hear her whisper to her
colleague under her breath. Normally you would be upset at such mockery, but
you have to shrug your shoulders and resign yourself to the fact that the clerk
is right. Not only are there no animal puns on the card you selected, but you
spent $5 not to share the joy of animal puns with your loved one.
Want to
avoid this routine? How about spending $15 to receive 5 (yes 5!) cards. Or you
can just spend $4 and receive one card!
No, I do
not have any Christmas cards, but I do have animal pun cards for most other
occasions.
Also, I
now have small, business card sized "Thank Ewe" cards for one dollar
each. Bam!"
That is
all for now.
*insert
a gif of John waving goodbye over-enthusiastically*
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