Dear Hairline,

   While I can appreciate your defiance in the face of my inevitable baldness, I must ask you to please recede in a more orderly fashion. Rather than retreating in a continuous line up my scalp as normal people’s receding hairlines would do, you have decided to stand your ground. While I do have a certain amount of admiration for your bravery, it is, nevertheless, quite foolish for you to have allowed yourself to be outflanked in the manner you have. There you stand, a lone island of hair surrounded on all sides by hairlessness. You have, in fact, taken the concept of a “last stand” entirely too literally and have chosen to stand up straight in some kind of misplaced rebellion not only of the onslaught of unavoidable baldness, but also of the very laws of physics. Let me break some bad news to you, there are no reinforcements coming, you are doomed to failure. Your heroism will only be remembered as the folly of follicles whose braveries were only matched by their complete and utter lack of a functional strategy.

Sincerely, John