People I see (or have seen) on the transit system while going to work:

- The man with the bouffant. Alright, I’m actually not sure if this person is a man or if the hairstyle qualifies as a bouffant. In fact, this person might actually be “the woman with the beehive.” However, there is a person who I believe is a man that I occasionally see with a very tall sweeping hairstyle that must require a lot of gel.

- The Chinese ladies who like coffee. It’s really not significant that they’re Chinese or that they’re ladies or even that they like coffee. The significant factor is that they look like identical twins and they seem to work at the same company. They might be Korean or Japanese. I’m racist.

- The massively obese woman with fat rolls that are strange. Why do her fat rolls grow in the places they do? She has a fat person upper body, an obese person stomach, and a massively obese person legs. She’s like a giant corpulent pear that can walk. I’m sure she’s a nice lady though. This wasn’t mean-spirited because I said something nice about her.

- The guy who looks Dutch. He’s a guy, and he looks Dutch. He’s the Dutch-looking guy.

- The incredibly baggy jogging pants guy. His jogging pants are rancid-looking. They’re very baggy. He wears jeans underneath, thankfully. He’s quite skinny, but he sits with his legs splayed out on the crowded bus because maybe he wants to show just how baggy his dirty jogging pants are.

- The first-in-line bearded guy. He is always first in line at the one of the busy stops. He has a beard. He once ordered everyone to move to the back of the bus on a very busy day when he was the fifth person on. Unfortunately, this was impossible and he had to wait for the next bus. Ever since, he’s always the first - even when there are pregnant ladies.

- Wael. He’s my friend. I saw him once on the bus and that counts.

- Steven Spielberg. I saw a guy who looked like him, for real. He took the 148 Elmvale.

- Old wrinkly bearded man with the kindly face. I sat next to him on the bus once and he handed me a flyer for a free speech at the Ottawa Public Library about toxins in pesticides. If he had not had such a kindly face, I might not have expressed vague interest. My vague interest encouraged him to ask if I liked organ music. I answered in the affirmative. A free concert at Ottawa’s Notre Dame Cathedral flyer was immediately handed to me. I mentioned that I was busy that Friday. “No problem,” he said, “how about this talk about municipal public policy?” I asked the date of the talk, mumbled something about keeping it in mind, and stood up for my stop.
“Could I have the flyers back please? I didn’t make copies.”
I handed them back to him and he carefully placed them in the plastic covers in his leather hippie-bag. Saving paper – that’s cool.

- Young gangster Spike Lee. He’s like Spike Lee, except he’s younger and he’s gangster and he doesn’t have a speech impediment. He cussed out the driver for missing his stop – admittedly the next stop was pretty far.

- The “Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd” girl. I don’t remember what she looks like. Let’s just say that she was blonde with pink hoop earrings, aviator glasses, and gladiator sandals. She was talking on her cellphone and she said “oh my gaaawwwwd” a lot. Like, a lot, like, really.

- The lady with the angry stare. I only saw her once, but I feel like I may have murdered her cat. She was not happy with me.

- The white Rasta. Notable for being white and being a Rasta, he had a very cute kid. Maybe he was just a hippie. *Sidenote* Laurianne and her friend met a white Rasta the other day – he greeted them with a fist bump and the words “Selassie I.”

- The incredibly tall dreadlocked vegan vampire. He must be six foot eight. He lives/lived in my apartment building. He looks like he may lack some protein, vitamins, essential minerals, and sunlight. How do you get so tall when you only drink soy-milk?

- The little person who is not advancing the cause of little people in the way he presents himself. You’re supposed to call them little people now right? Well, this guy looks exactly the way dwarves are portrayed in fantasy with the big bushy beard, the prominent facial features, big boots, and the axe slung over his shoulder. He doesn’t actually have an axe, but everything else is true. He looks like a stand-in for Gimli in “the Lord of the Rings.” Every time I see him my brain goes “dwarf, dwarf, dwarf, dwarf, dwarf, dwarf.” I can’t help it, he’s a dwarf. Sorry to little people everywhere.

- People with stupid hats. I realize this is Canada and everybody looks a little stupid in the winter time all bundled up against the cold. However, these people are wearing toques that are cartoon animals and they are adults. They’re adults, not children. They have cartoon hats that look stupid. I want one.

- Justin Bieber. I see him everywhere. It’s not a big deal.

- Fedex Delivery People. Why do they take the bus, don’t they have brown vans to drive in? I saw one of them getting a ticket from the transit authority or whatever they’re called. She was upset.

- The guy with the handlebar moustache. I mentioned him before. It was weird. I don’t think I mentioned his boots, which were white and went up to his knees.

- The guy with incredibly large circle-things in his earlobes. WHY DO YOU WANT THAT FOR YOUR FACE? Seriously, your ears must be depressed from being stretched like that. They probably cry themselves to sleep every night. You could honestly suffocate on your earlobes. Your earlobes should not touch your shoulders. A friend once told me that my attached earlobes were an abnormal mutation. I am self-conscious of my ears now. However, compared to your ears, my ears are a thoroughbred racehorse (yours would be more like a crippled mule with a saggy belly). You will never be able to run through a forest if you’re being chased by a psycho because your ear lobes will get caught on the tree branches. You really didn’t think this through did you?

- Mother whose children were really bratty one day and the next day were perfect angels. I know she laid down the law with them when she got home. She was all like “You go ahead and try to lick the stop button tomorrow. Ooooh, you’ll think that this punishment was heaven compared to the fire that will reign down upon your bottom if you even think of putting the sole of your shoe on your sister’s cheek again.” Yeah, awesome sauce.