Dear Readers,

I have taken the time to translate the great poem, "My Humps", by the Black Eyed Peas from its slang form into pretentious paraphrasing.

For those unfamiliar with the original words of this epic, you can find them here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blackeyedpeas/myhumps.html

This classic work opens with a male putting forth a question to his female companion. The Peas' use of repetition, chauvinism, and simplistic plot development was peerless. "My Humps" stands along other monumental works like Fergie's "Fergalicious", Gwen Stefanie's "Hollaback Girl", Kelis' "Milkshake", and everything that Ke$ha has ever done. Without further ado, here is the Black Eyed Peas' Legendary Work, "My Humps."

Male:
Excuse me, ma’am, but I notice that your figure has rather sleek and generous bulges. May I inquire as to what you intend to do with this voluptuous shape?

Female:
To answer you, good sir, I intend to behave in such a manner as to induce a state of inebriation through the round contours of my body, a metaphorical intoxication brought about by my feminine form. I think it bears repeating – round contours, round contours, round contours, round contours, round contours (Please do regard my curvaceous figure).

Many men are driven to irrational acts by me. This is a regular occurrence.
These men conduct themselves most generously, frequently buying me expensive jewelry and name-brand apparel. It is true that the generosity of these men has allowed me to dress myself both fashionably and extravagantly.

Although I have not requested it, men commonly refer to my hind parts most affectionately. They buy the finest denim trousers for me despite my protests. Because of their insistence, I am left with little choice but to accept these gifts.

I must offer my most hearty and staunch protests at this point to any suggestion that I am somehow stealing from these men. After all, I continue to see these men on a romantic basis and manifest my amorous appreciation, my amorous appreciation, my amorous appreciation, my amorous appreciation (appreciation).
I am, good sir, aware that you yourself have an amorous appreciation toward my rounded proportions.
My rounded proportions, my rounded proportions, my rounded proportions (appreciation),
My rounded proportions, with all due respect, have complete control over your person.

Male:
Oh dear me, this woman has me investing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . You are investing all of your money and time on my personage.

Male:
Yes, this is correct, she does indeed have me investing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . all of your money and time on my personage.

Male:
Yes, correct. I realize I may have asked this earlier, but for the sake of clarity, what exactly do you intend to do with your most robust and ample curves? I am particularly curious about the robust and ample curves of your bottom.

Female:
Good sir, my answer remains the same: I intend to induce you into a state of inebriation through my curves, a condition that would be comparable to being intoxicated by curvaceousness.

Male:
Again, for the sake of clarity, what precisely are your intentions regarding the excess fat, particularly the excess fat contained within the confines of your denim trousers?

Female:
I aspire to induce you to emit a loud piercing sound, a sort of piercing cry inspired by my curvesome figure, if you will. This will all occur because of my curvesome figure, my curvesome figure, my curvesome figure

Male:
Pardon me?

Female:
My curvesome figure, my curvesome figure, my curvesome figure, my most rounded characteristically feminine attributes (please do witness their proportions).

Male:
This may be a bit of non-sequitor, Ma'am, but I had the experience of encountering a young woman at a nightclub specializing in dancing.
She related to me that she would be agreeable to commencing a relationship of a romantic capacity in which pet names would be exchanged. Furthermore, she explained that she was not searching for financial gain, but a sharing of temporal experiences with one another. I responded agreeably by alluding to our differing allocations of melanin through the use of a crude metaphor involving homogenized dairy and chocolate cereal.

Female:
Interesting story, sir. Many people have gone on record as saying that I am very seductive. Many young men desire intimacy with me, so that they are constantly in my vicinity. For example, when I am dancing, these young men consistently dance in my proximity in an attempt to grope my rounded rump and leer at me.

However, I would be remiss if I did not warn that, while I am more than willing to be ogled, I draw the line at groping. In fact, if you were to attempt to frisk me, I would create the sort of spectacle you would not desire. No, you would not desire this spectacle. Therefore, I ask that you do not pull upon my hand. After all, you are not romantically involved with me, and I am only attempting to move rhythmically to this music and manoeuvre my curvaceous posterior. My curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, My curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior, my curvaceous posterior.

My rounded globules of fatty tissue (fatty tissue)
My rounded globules of fatty tissue (fatty tissue)
My rounded globules of fatty tissue (fatty tissue)
Both the rounded globules of fatty tissue at the anterior and posterior.

My amorous appreciation has resulted in . . .

Male (interrupting):
Yes, it has resulted in me lavishing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . lavishing all of your finances and time on me.

Male:
Correct, she has induced me to lavishing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . lavishing all of your finances and time on me.

Male:
Once again, ma’am, I realize we may have covered this ground earlier, but I must ask what your intentions concerning your curved protrusions, particularly the curved protrusions that are so prominent in you hind parts?

Female:
It bears repeating that I aim to intoxicate you with my hind quarters, induce you into a metaphorical condition of drunkenness brought about by my rear end.

Male:
Yes, but what do you intend to do with the generous proportions of your bottom that are currently confined to your denim pantaloons?

Female:
I am going to force a high-pitched shout from you using only my buttocks.

Male:
What was it again that you were going to do with your curved protrusions, particularly the curved protrusions of your posterior segment?

Female:
My aim, good sir, is to inebriate you with my posterior segment, make you inebriated with appreciation for my posterior segment.

Male:
And what is it you will do with your mammary glands, the mammary glands that are currently furnishing your shirt?

Female:
I intend to create tasks for you, sir.

Male:
She has made it so that I am investing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . You are investing all of your money and time on my personage.

Male:
Yes, this is correct, she does indeed have me investing . . .

Female (interrupting):
. . . all of your money and time on my personage.

~ Fin.