JANUARY UPDATE IN CAPITAL LETTERS

I was recently informed, numerous times and in numerous ways, that my blog has been neglected and that I need to update it. Unfortunately, I recently lost all of my humour in a tragic accident. Normally I try to spice up my posts with my rapier wit and hilarious jokes, but that is no longer possible.

My posts, from this point forward, are going to be dry and tedious affairs involving my thoughts on my favourite types of tea (Rooibos and Earl Grey) and my favourite activity (watching Matlock reruns).

Here is a recent attempt I made at updating my blog:

"I watched a rerun of Matlock today. It was good. I drank a cup of Earl Grey while I watched it. SPOILER ALERT - they got the bad guy in the end.

Man, I wish I had some Rooibos right about now."

Now, you are doubtlessly asking yourself what sort of tragic accident would cause someone to lose their wicked sense of humour and write such a nefariously dull blog entry. Well, my friend, I will tell you. I will tell you how I lost my famously wicked sense of humour.

I became a bureaucrat.

I was a bureaucrat before, but I managed to cling to my razor sharp wit by remaining steadfastly helpful. Gradually, however, my helpfulness and wit were drained by prolonged exposure to the absurd nature of bureaucracy. Now I am only capable of initialling letters and reciting long and complicated procedures for tasks that should be relatively simple. I can also answer the phone and maintain a monotone for incredibly lengthy periods of time.

This change has affected every aspect of my life. I have begun a rock collection, using only small stones that I find in parking lots. I eat white rice, white bread, and tofu. I draw pictures of cats. I only smile in a perfunctory manner because nothing truly amuses me except for spreadsheets. I solve puzzles of grey brick walls. I watch golf and poker. I read the footnotes and only the footnotes in obscure scientific journal entries about fungi. I birdwatch, but I only watch pigeons that are dead. I shop at Walmart. I peruse the accoutant section of the yellow pages and repeatedly underline any occurrence of the word "reliable." I watch the fireplace channel. I listen to whale call albums backwards to try to find hidden messages. I surf the internet looking at textile patterns.

Anyway, that's the update. I will be updating regularly once again, just don't expect anything funny.