In Which I Answer Some Serious Questions - Part 1

The following are thoughtful answers to a series of serious questions that were posed on this website.

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?

For the same reason they don't sell boiled pig's feet: it's just not unhealthy enough.

At a movie theater which armrest is yours?

The armrest to your right belongs to the theatre while the armrest to your left belongs to the theatre.


What is Satan's last name?

Jones.

Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

I have no experience with this.

Where does the toe-tag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?

The person remains unidentified.

If your (sic) driving a federal(sic) owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?

Running a stop sign would be considered a traffic violation and not a felony.

If your (sic) driving a federal (sic) owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a traffic violation?

No, if you are driving a federally owned car, you can speed the wrong way down an interstate with a case of open beers beside you while blackmailing a Supreme Court judge on your cell-phone, and the police can do nothing.

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?

Rhode Island doesn’t count as a real state.

If you dug a hole through the center of the earth, and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?

Presumably, if it were even possible to dig a hole through the centre of the earth, you would not need to jump in because you would be in the hole, you know, digging it. This would thereby eliminate the need to jump in.

. . .

Oh, and, if it were even possible to get to the centre of the earth before being consumed by magma or the incredible mass of the earth, you would die.

If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?

Check your policy (unless you’re from Rhode Island, in which case you’re not covered).

If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your (sic) the main witness, what if you say "no"?

Then you’re in contempt of court.

Do they bury people with their braces on?

Yes.

How far east can you go before you're heading west?

Infinity.

How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?

If they’re selling the office, there really shouldn’t be any confusion.

Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?

Neither. They usually end up curled up in the corner from the embarrassment of having less than perfect oral health.

If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?

That you’re not allowed to play baseball with cantaloupes anymore.

If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states?

If you’re driving a federally owned car, you don’t need to worry about this.

Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?

Because swaying your arm back and forth is the action you take before you release this bowling ball.

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

Is this a riddle? Maybe I’m driving in an alternate reality where everyone’s intelligence is judged relative to the speed I choose to go in my automobile? Or, more likely, I’m driving in Toronto.

If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

Yes, in the same way that professional is the opposite of confessional, protest is the opposite of contest, produce is the opposite of conduce, and processional is the opposite of concessional. Isn’t etymology grand?

Why does grape flavor smell the way it is (sic) when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it?

Interesting fact: grape drink does not taste like actual grapes.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Yes, and they should be thrown in prison.

Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?

No, but if their hands are full of food it is incredibly rude.

If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

Yes, it’s 2010 now.

What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?

Fancy ketchup listens to jazz.

Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

It’s called the white man principle. If a white man accomplishes anything, he can claim he did it alone providing he was not accompanied by another white man. It’s like how that one weekend I danced by myself at a zouk club.

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

Sunny is understood because the sun is a constant. Clouds, however, are not a constant unless you live in England or Vancouver.

Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

Are eyebrows on your face?

If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01AM, which day was he born on?

Friday.

In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?

Neither, it’s the name he gave to his cap.

Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

No, unless you’re from Rhode Island, in which case they expire right away.

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Because life isn’t fair.

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

Smartass.

Can you daydream at night?

No, and don’t try it. The resulting chaos unleashed by such a linguistic contradiction will cause the universe to collapse on itself.

Why is it that on a phone the number five has a little dot on it?

It’s a design flaw that has occurred in almost every single touch-tone phone that has ever been manufactured. I like it though because it allows me to dial in the dark.

Can crop circles be square?

No, see the question about daydreaming at night.

If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

Ghosts have special floor resistant shoes.

Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

In a federally owned car it is.

When atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?

No, but neither do Christians. In the old days, atheists would swear on a stack of blank steno notebooks.

Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

You obviously haven’t been eating super-extra-copious-amounts-of-vanilla vanilla ice cream. Just reduce the amount of dairy in the ice cream and increase the amount of vanilla extract by three thousand parts.

Can animals commit suicide?

Are humans animals? If so, then yes. If not, then also yes.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

You wring that good-for-nothing animal’s neck is what you do.

If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

Neither, they would immediately succumb to the irony.

How can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what was it improving on?

It’s new in the sense that no one used it before you, and it’s improved in the sense that it’s better than the previous model.

Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

Maybe you shouldn’t shop at second-hand stores for your drapes.

When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married?

They say, “Oh man, I don’t know what to say at this part anymore. If only there were a way we could change the language of these vows somehow to reflect this completely unanticipated situation. I guess this won’t work after all. I wish there were a way, boys, but my hands are really tied here.”

Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?

Underwater geysers melt the ice to a certain thinness and warm the water to a certain hotness.

Why do people say beans, beans, the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?

I have never, ever, in my entire life heard one person ever utter these words. Ever.

If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

He overdosed, obviously.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Money, obviously, does grow on trees.

Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?

Hmm. That’s a tough one. Why would they call tiny little peanut-shaped pieces of Styrofoam peanuts? I don’t know. You stumped me.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

*Crash* That’s the sound of all my childhood naivete shattering into a billion pieces. Thanks a lot.

Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?

Siamese twins enter free. It’s one of the perks.

Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?

You’re too young to know who Roy Rogers is. I’m also too young to know who he is, but somehow I do know who he is. Suffice to say, he was both jolly and a rancher.

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

They don’t. One helps sick people and another is a janitor.

Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?

Woah, you just, like, totally blew my mind.

If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

Yeah, on their face, for their eyebrows.

If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isn’t refrigerated?

If milk emerged from the cow’s udder as ice-cold two per cent homogenized milk then the answer to your question would be yes.

How fast do hotcakes sell?

I don't know, but this youtube clip is funny:


Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Have you seen The Fugitive starring Harrison Ford? He totally had to go through the door at the front when the bus flipped.

Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

Yes, it’s one of the most frustrating aspects of space travel at the moment.

Can a black person join the kkk?

You’re stupid.

When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?

If lightning had a constant voltage of a googolplex volts, it would kill all the fish. It doesn't though.

When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?

Yes, it's required by law.

If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?

No, but they shouldn’t put him in the electric chair either.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

There’s supposed to be a gigantic bridge to Alaska, but Sarah Palin didn’t finish it.

Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?

Forget what these new emo vampire tales are telling you, all vampires are undead, selfish, and have no convictions, religious or otherwise.

If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?

If this song were titled “London Bridge fell down” you might have a point.

Who was Sadie Hawkins?

A character from the Lil’Abner comic strip that ran from 1934-1977. Yeah, that was from the top of my head.

If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

My parents always urged me to take candy from strangers (and play on the train tracks), so I don't see your point.