Update:

~ I was attempting to set the record for the world’s longest intermission. I think I succeeded.

~ I have gained almost ten pounds since the spring. This is an amazing feat for me, as I have hovered around the same weight since graduating high school.

~ I will not admit that I am sorry about my lack of updates, but I am.

~ I will not bow to your conventions regarding self-contradiction.

~ I once attended a self-contradiction convention, I had mixed feelings.

~ Ba-domp ching!

~ I actually wrote up another post about a month ago but I never posted it because it was derivative of a lot of earlier work.

~ We are being sprayed for pharoah ants. For some reason the only place I’ve seen them is in the bathroom.

~ Actually, it’s not a spray, it’s poison so that they grab it and die.

~ I scored a minus 4 recently on my fantasy soccer league. I did much better in the weeks that I was not playing.

~ I sent the following text message to my sister, Rachel, recently: “Hey Rachel, I hope school is going well. Don’t talk to strange boys, ok smarty pants?”

~ I received the following response: “Hola John. I hope life is going well. School is good. The language barrier keeps me from talking to strange boys, don’t worry. (I translated that from this normal texting syntax for your benefit: sup. Skul iz gud. I dunno frnch so cant talk 2 craZ bois lolz!)”

~ I have no idea how to respond cleverly to this, if you have any ideas please put them in the comment section below.

~ I think the extra ten pounds may be inhibiting my brain functions.

~ Is there any pizza better than pizza with pineapples on it? I will answer this for you. No, there is not.

~ Sarah Palin makes George W. Bush look smart.

~ Did you know that there are scorpions in Canada? I didn’t, and there are.

~ Guess which province is the culprit? Yeah, that’s right, British Columbia with their mild weather and hippie ways.

~ There is no direct link between scorpions and hippies – THAT WE KNOW OF.

~ Was that dramatic? Did it establish doubt in your mind about possible links between scorpions and hippies? I hope so. I used capitals, and I don’t do that too often.

~ I tried to wash my jacket by hand with detergent and water and now it just smells like a damp coat. I would like to apologize to all of my fellow passengers on the OC Transpo buses for smelling like a damp coat.

~ What does a damp coat smell like? It really is incomparable to any other scents, sorry.

~ I like it when the bus lurches suddenly and the guy leaning coolly against the door gets thrown off balance. Is that bad?

~ This has been a Boerisbwoy joint. Johnny out.